The Choice!

So Ive been out of a full-time job for more than a year now! Yes, I took on a research internship, started blogging professionally and did many online assignments so that my otherwise impeccable CV didn’t suffer too big a hole. But all this hardly helped the perpetual sinking feeling of not actually having a job.
 

Most people understood and supported my choice. Well, why wouldn’t they? Staying at home and supporting your husband is considered the most worthwhile pursuit, after all!

I soon knew I had to do something or my end was near. No, I’m not being dramatic, its true! My self-worth had fallen considerably, and I began to have insane rages and violent tantrums. I was doing more harm than good for the people at home!

So I began applying for jobs in other cities in Ghana and within 3 weeks, I had one! It is a research consulting profile to conduct studies with children in multiple districts in Ghana. Perfect for me! I took it without thinking twice.

This is my last week in Obuasi. I move to Winneba in a few days. I will live out of a suitcase, stay in some guest-house, starve most of the time and more likely than not, end up with Malaria!

But I am happy, its where my heart is! Best of all, I’m going back to fieldwork, my soul-food! J

Some Days

On some days, you forget the problems that were pressing on your mind yesterday! You look at your to-do list and wonder “What was I thinking”?

 

When every small task seems Herculean, when even your dogs or a cup of tea wont cheer you up...

 

You have a resentment, a determined will to not let anything bother you...You watch others with amused detachment and all you want to do is to get into bed with a light book or a mindless movie and hope for a dreamless sleep.

The Wallkill Rotties!

Have you heard of the Wallkill Rotties? No? Well, very briefly, there is this 64-year old woman who lives in Middletown, New York. She had a puppy mill (aka unlicensed dog-breeding centre) with around 74 Rottweilers. According to reports, these dogs were in deplorable and heart-breaking conditions - bent legs, blind in one eye, housed in mud and filth, skin issues, flea ridden cages, stale food and water; it was almost unbelievable.  

On Facebook, there was a rage among dog-lovers and rescuers alike, all striving to get people to sign a petition for maximum punishment for her cruelty. The petition can be found here, signed by 12400 people currently. A dedicated group on FB, which currently has 3325 members has been doing a wonderful job of spreading the message, helping in finding foster homes for the rescued dogs and collecting money for the cause.

Personally, I was shocked after reading the reports and seeing the pics of the pain and misery these dogs had to go through. I urge every reader of this post to check out the Facebook group. The dedication, empathy and determination of the supporters comes so clearly through! And God knows those dogs needed it. I really shudder when I think of how many dogs worldwide must be being subjected to terrible abuse for the sake of money. 

The tale related by one volunteer really tugs at my heart. Ive reproduced it below from the Petition Page:

I was a volunteer there on the second day of clean-up and this is the tale I have to tell....

When we arrived on this 'persons' property she had the top of her driveway chained off preventing any vehicles from entering. As I am not good at judging distances, I will just tell you the drive way is LONG. Approx 10 of us climbed over the chain and carried 40lb bags of donated dog food up this long driveway to feed and leave for the owner.

The first kennel I came upon was separated from the others and had a small young female full of milk, but no puppies. She circled and whimpered, clearly distraught at not being able to find her puppies. We did the best we could to find a semi dry, safe place to leave the bags of dog food and continued on to where the 'real' kennels were. My heart sank. As a Rottweiler owner for 15+ years, to see the condition these dogs were in made me wish I wasnt a human.

Walking the length of dilapidated, uncovered kennels, I saw dogs that were born with black hair, now brown with caked mud. I saw dogs with eyes swollen shut from infections. I saw dogs with legs so bowed that you could fit a basketball between them. One little girl had paws that turned completely in, her front legs so severely bowed she could barely walk. I saw dogs, so shut down, they laid in the far back corner of their kennels with eyes that said "please just let it end". In one kennel, was a small female, missing a front leg, stuck in mud so thick she couldnt walk; in another a dog with an eye that looked like it had been pushed in, the eyeball a solid milky white color. An occasional rat running parallel through the kennels, the only form of 'toy' these dogs have ever seen. Kennel after kennel after kennel, of what was once a noble, intelligent breed, circling in their enclosures, broken mentally and physically.

All of us swallowing our anger and heartbreak got to work cleaning the empty kitty litter containers used for water... broken and bent metal bowls with jagged edges for food. We fed and we watered, we gave treats to those trusting enough to take them. All of this being done, while being watched by the owner of the property from a second floor window of her house.

Tarps were brought to partially cover the kennels and give the dogs some semblance of refuge from the elements and provide shade. Blankets were brought to put in the sparse, dirty, broken Dogloo houses, barely big enough for a dog 50lbs, never mind 2-3 rottweilers.

Eventually the owner came out of her house. She approached me and stood in front of me staring directly at me. In that moment what I saw made my skin crawl. Dark, empty eyes looking at me and for the 1st time in my life I knew I had met someone completely devoid of a soul. She walked away and proceeded to refuse the tarps, the blankets and the dog food. She wanted all of it removed from her property. ALL of it.

When the time had come that all the dogs had been fed and given fresh water and there was little else that could be done for the day, I picked up a bag of dog food, forcing my feet to put one in front of the other and walk away from these dogs, knowing I was leaving them behind in hell. After a 3 hour drive home, I changed my clothes, showered, sat on the floor with my dogs and sobbed for the rest of the night.

This is why I signed this petition!

Courtesy: https://www.change.org

The paid holiday

You know that financial rock-bottom is staring at you in the face when you get invited for an exciting training at a beach resort and the first thing you think is - wow! free food for 5 days!!! Anyway, things are slowly inching back to normal though I  still dont carry a wallet or cant stop watching the video of the lady...

I love this place we're in now...theres great people, great food and free drinks and we've all religiously gotten wasted every evening of this week....

I love being so close to the sea....I could run on the beach forever and theres a grand lighthouse here too....somehow lighthouses are so mystical... just like the Cheryl Richardson Cards Ive lately taken to. Offlate, I get the feeling that something is going to happen in my life...something big, its just around the corner, I dont quite know what...am not even sure if its a good thing...but I just cant wait for it... I lay awake at night for hours thinking what it might be...the possibilities seem endless...

The group here for the training is really diverse, from about 30 different countries I think....and its nice to know that I am "old-school" because I like vermouth or hear phrases like "my bad"...they're lovely people though, and incredibly smart and everyone has such an amazing sense of humor....makes you so hopeful and happy :)

Anyways, football really brings us all together and everyones phone sings waka waka...

I place all my bets on Germany...what do you think?

Has it really been a year??

Because thats how old this blog is today :) I would like to say it seems like yesterday, but it doesnt.  The last one year has been the worst and each day was a painful drag. I remember so well how and why I started blogging and how low I was...addicted I was to it, partly because I had no one to talk to for a long time! But I am so glad I made it through without doing anything stupid.....

And I still love this blog even though I dont spill my heart out on it like I used to. But thats mostly because Ive been pretty steady over the past few months with few emotional roller-coasters :)...and of course, Ive lightened up like a LOT...Incidentally, this is my 100th post which means Ive been posting once in 4 days roughly. Thats not too bad now is it:)

So heres to blogging and a year of happy posts ahead :) Oh and this is a pic I took sometime back, just enlarge it and see the symmetry.....nice no?? :)

You've got mail

Felt like penning down this fleeting but intense moment....

The guy walking beside me was good on paper. Just when I was beginning to think maybe it all needs more credit than I give, he startled me by shouting out to an auto across the road....

AUTO!!!! M.G ROAD????

Auto: What?? 

M. G ROAD!!!! 

Auto: Shakes his head..

I pitch in... M.G ROAAAAAAAAADDDD we holler ...

He says no, like I thought he would....I would never have screamed out like that...I always believed that a lot of the response lies in how you ask....

I suddenly  remembered myself a few months ago on the same road...with colorful clothes and silver jewellery... all dressed up and nowhere to go...but really hopeful and happy in the moment...

I dont think I'll ever be ready to put my single self on the shelf...

The Nommo & the Sirius

Yes, thats is all the clarity we have for now atleast. But I'll keep my word and give you something about the Nommo, in case you may want.

So I am currently living in with a guy. No, nothing like that - even if my facebook relationship status reads Its complicated. But its not....I mean, nothing in life is at present...Anyway, he is my colleague and from Brazil, and married at that, and we have this HUUGE house with roses in the garden, sugarcane plants in the backyard, a private terrace to ourselves, we even have comforters...I could cry I tell you.... we work, we cook, we cycle, we trek, we take holidays, we're even thinking of tap-dancing - Its the perfect non-ideal situation, and as oxymoronic as it can get.

And in my other work-world, I went on a holiday to Dehradun with colleagues..we went rafting in the Ganga river (so we're pure now, dont miss that), and visited Haradwar which is a freaky place with an alarming number of "spiritual gurus"..and I discovered hills are depressing ...they're ok to visit but not to live...still, it was a fun holiday...we took spas, collected handmade soaps, saw the Tehri Dam, lit campfires, talked, danced, laughed, boozed ...and since I am feeling generous, here are some pics. Yes I am deluded, you neednt tell me that :)

And I am beginning not to see the point of this post or this blog either for that matter, but I guess I am coming through pretty clearly which saves me a lot of writing...and heres the bit on the Nommo I promised - well, not about Nommo obviously...come on, I cant do all the work...

Scientists report that no creature on Earth dreams as much as the human fetus. Now what can the tabula rasa dream about? Do we, for a moment imagine that the tiny swimmer's dreams are dry? That no Nommo splash therein? That the mood is other than oceanic?

There! I am done. Now are you any wiser?

Its Me-time!

For blogger-beginners, its always the season for tags :) Ive been tagged by a friend to write down 7 things about me which would make things easier for those around and 7 things that others are not likely to know easily..I wonder why seven..

Anyways, heres the list I came up with and I had fun writing it :) 

1. Dull and faded colors depress me, they really do.

2. Its very easy to change my perspective, call it being fickle or being open

3. I find it very difficult to fight with strangers as opposed to people I know.

4. I really think that familiarity beyond a point is bad.
5. Petty people really scare me. This doesn’t mean I can’t be petty. I often am.
6. I say please and sorry in almost every sentence, even if I dont mean it.
7. I always heart its never too late. I hate its never too early.
8. If you hear some of the dreams I get, you'd think I shouldnt be allowed :)
9. My interests are often short-lived. I prefer one of everything to everything of one. .
10. I can let it slide if you are mean to me, but dont try that with my family. 
11. I can never cut my hair short.
12. I can be stubborn but as easily be a push-over.  
13. I find it very difficult to adjust with people who are slow.
14. I prefer men to women in a boss.

Now, the rule says Ive to pass on this tag to two other bloggers.....so I choose Roy and Jha :)

Just dropping in

Well, Ive been keeping myself busy enough over the past week and generally staying out of trouble, although sometimes I have this crazy urge to tempt fate ...the last few months were wonderfully numb, and now its high on emotions....what with this terrible sense of restlessness that I just cant shake off...

You know, a friend of mine recently submitted this blog for review and the reviewers said that it seemed as if a different person had written each post...isnt that funny?? :)  I would never have thought so...They also said that my blog needs a consistent personality and that they were not able to tag it...well, what do I say to that?? : )

But you know, maybe I should think about what they said...and its true that off-late I feel the lack of an anchor very keenly....seriously....and people are so grounded in reality...they find comfort in their routines and everything matters to them....sometimes a part of me wishes I was like them...and  sometimes I hope I never ever become like them....see, even my outlook is not consistent :(

I dont know what I am waiting for really....these small occasional surges of hope that everything will miraculously fall in place....but they wont no? Things will never get alright, will they??? Its like the seasons of the year...you live through each and they are different and so you dont feel the monotony..but thats just a sham cos its repetitive... and therefore Ive come to conclude that we are a very optimistic species :)

And I really dont like being made to feel like I have choices when I dont, if you get my drift....thats the only lesson Ive really learnt so far...and it applies to all of us...think about it...the shallower the waters you test, the less evident it will be to you...Huh!! So much for optimism !!!

Anyways, most of this is rhetoric and its not even fair that I waste blogspace on all this...esp on New Years Eve and all that....if I cant write peppy posts, the least I can do is to not descend gloom on you right ? :)

So I better sign off here...
Happy New Year!!

And who shall I say is calling?

I don’t want the dust to settle down. Where do you see yourself in the next five years would invite some interesting answers now :) Ever got the feeling that everything is pre-planned and it would’ve been more prudent to trust your instincts from the start? It’s a lot like traffic – random, tedious and mostly unnecessary.  

Speaking of which, Ive been traveling a lot over the last week - I went to Ramnagara, Chennai and Hyderabad, and in that order. 

Ramnagara is called the Silk Town, where Sholay was supposedly shot and is quite a beautiful place. Doesn’t quite have the small-town charm but it was a good break. I was there only for a day. We ate the famous ragimudhe, drank lots of sugarcane juice, learnt about silk reeling, met loadsa people and generally chilled out.

Ironically, I met a Kannur Muslim family – they were three sisters who were married to three brothers (why do people do this) from Karnataka and they hated it here. They missed mallu food, mallu people, mallu weather…..well, mallu life. They were pretty happy to be able to talk to me, though my Malayalam is quite shaky. They spoke nineteen to dozen about everything under the sun and while I was leaving they asked “Chaya edukatte?” (shall I make some tea?). I was really delighted, Kerela chaya is definitely my cup of tea:)

Left to myself, I would have never gone to Chennai or Hyderabad again simply because it’s trouble handed on a silver platter, complete with garnishing and side-orders. Chennai, I had to go for a meeting. Only it didn’t feel like Chennai at all. Even the auto-drivers seemed tame, the weather was nice and seeing the pre-paid counter at the railway station did not make my insides flip. Ditto Galloping Gooseberries, TDS and even the Taj Coromondel.  But once, I had to cross my old house to meet one of my friends who also stayed in the same building, but I resolutely looked away. I feel a vague sort of disconnect these days that is quite hard to shake off. I would say it’s some sort of an acquired nonchalance, difficult to put in words.    

Hyderabad, unlike Chennai was different since I didn’t quite know where the places to avoid were located. And it is bearable, if you go by train and avoid the airport. I met three of my really good friends, and felt more like myself again though the feeling was short-lived. Me meeting them after a good year-and-a-half, but we could easily pick up from where we left off. That’s very important I feel, because drifting apart is one thing, but moving on to speak different languages is another. Many a times, when I talk to people who've been my friend for years, I suddenly find that we don’t get the other anymore. It’s a sinking feeling, that…and then from there on, you remain friends only for old times’ sake, and talk only about mundane stuff and wish each other on birthdays and New Years…

Anyways, we hung out – talked for eons about nothing, cooked over silly jokes (made awesome poha, tomato pasta and cheese & pineapple sticks), listened to music in the dark, smoked up, went on mall-marathons and even tried the famous fish spa, where “doctor fish” are your masseurs. Twas quite freaky at first, and then pretty ticklish, not to mention ridiculously overpriced. My phone cam gave out and therefore I don’t have ready pics to post.

I ended up doing a lot of stuff against my better judgment though. I actually lunched at Waterfront; never thought I could go back there. It didn’t seem quite so scary in the afternoon, though I am not sure I would’ve survived a dinner there. And I did feel a pang when I saw the Cinema Paradiso and the W showroom :(. But why does it seem like from another life sometimes and so painfully sad at others?? :(           

And while we're on that, when will I meet John Galt?           

Anyways, I was talking about traffic. Yes, traffic really !!! I mean, REALLY, come to think of it. Wow, the time each person has on his hands to reach wherever he must, the resources at his disposal - vehicles and all that, and where he has to go and why…wow…aint it perfectly symbolic??? My respect for traffic just leapfrogged :)  It even captures things like the divide, which is irrelevant since emotions aint relative. No, they are not, which is not fair, since we tend to pretend they are and try to count blessings. Atleast I do. Well, that’s a different debate, so lets leave that on the side for a bit.

Anyways, everything sort of blends and sorts itself and you eventually begin to believe it couldn’t have been any other way because if there was any better, it would’ve happened. I am not there yet, but the subscribers to this theory can do no better than place all their bets on the future :) The other extreme must be the sorts who claim to know precisely which side of their bread is buttered at any given point of time :)          

True no? What do you say??     

P.S: Forever is a stupid word.

Another brick in the wall

I guess I should be posting my lessons learnt from the lawyer melodrama, but it is still underway, and me too exhausted to write about it now, so I'll settle for rubbing my friday melancholy off on you. Twilight, dusk and eventually the dark - theres no better place to watch it than through your office window, when all others have left because they have plans.....when the call to prayer from the Mosque nearby is your cue to leave for the day...

Some people put it a lot better than I.

Aint made for each other anymore !!!

Is it me, or are the days painfully slow? Its funny because not only they seem to stretch forever but they also manage to make you feel that they are flying by and you have nothing to show for it....

I have NO idea what I should be doing  these days...whenever I look at the things  I want to do, they seem really frivolous and I cant help wondering if I am waaaaaay off the mark.... with the skating and the star-gazing and the guitar and the books and the volunteering and the field trips and list of places I want to see and the loooooong list of other stuff I intend to do...Should I simply chuck all this and buy a house and a car and think about getting married and "settle down"? Most of the world seems to think that it would be a more worthwhile use of my time and resources. My reply to them is better articulated by my blogger pal Vimal, in his  gentle and moderately-worded post here.

Ok, he was a bit harsh and I dont feel THAT strongly about it, but definitely along the same lines. I wish someone else could think for me. I wish I had a sounding board. I miss having someone to talk to...TALK to, not just talk to, if you know what I mean? Well, of course you dont. If you did, I wouldnt be complaining now, would I? Alright, I'm sorry...Its not just you, its me too. We just dont get each other anymore. Remember our recent conversations? Obviously  you dont. So let me remind you...

U: I bought a flat.

Me: Why? What'll you do with it?

U: What?

Me: Sorry, nothing...(with an insincere smile) Congrats!!!

U: My marriage got fixed.
Me: Oh no!!! Another one bites the dust...
U: What did you say?
Me: Sorry, nothing…(with an insincere smile) Congrats !!!

U (beaming): I got promoted.
Me: So what?
U:  Huh?
Me: Sorry, nothing…Congrats !!!
U: Lets go celebrate.
Me: Celebrate what?

Well, they were something like this anyway. Always are. See, it IS me, do you agree now? Maybe I should just retire from polite society. But you haven't been all that nice too. You don't get me either..Remember the marriage talk? Doesn't ring a bell? I'll remind you again.

U: When you getting married?
Me: I dont know. I am thinking if I should.
U: OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even naxalites marry, even Gandhi married. Its always better to marry.
(Oh no no no, dont look away , you know you said it)
Me (Wishing I could put an axe through your head): Never mind...

And yes, knowing you, you wont get me this time either, so I'll save us both time and  energy and clarify that when I say 'you', I dont mean YOU even if you said the above things. I am merely talking metaphorically, ok? Happy?????

We aint made for each other any more..

The purple haze

The stars, the seas, the wonderness wild 
I long to be you, a spirit so free

A smile, a tear, a thought in my mind 

Is all you can take to them from me ...

And I walk alone

Memories have a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it... 

"Hey Sweetie !!"

My heart leaps and I turn around eagerly. As the comprehension dawns on me for the millionth time in the past few months, tears prick at the back of my eye-lids and I try hard to stop them....When will I ever face the fact  that  it is really over? Will I ever get used to it?

Eat Pray Love

 

"Bought in Landmark Bookstore in an impulsive self-destructive moment" is what I had written on the cover when I bought my copy of the above book last week. I bought it telling myself I shouldnt buy it, that I am not ready to read something like this...it will definitely bring back various memories that Ive stashed away in a corner of my mind, that I dont want to ever encounter....well, as you sometimes willingly walk into something you know is not good for you, I too opened this book....

Except that it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me in the recent past....this book, I tell you...is it...really it is...especially if you are lost and single and trying not to be lost and single...yeah, now dont think its not for you if you are not...because its not a book on relationships or self-help or anything remotely so....and its definitely not a book for women, like many tend to think...

Its a book on...well...life....thats the word that comes closest in my vocabulary, anyway....

Small things you never thought anyone else will think about....things that make you go hey !!!! ive been there too.... like hell I have ...things that make you nod vigorously in agreement...things that bring back memories  - good bad ugly alike...things that youve been thinking about but didnt know whom to talk to...things that make you stop and think - is that what it really was??????...things so intense and true that you cant believe someone else is actually saying it...,,,things that you cant believe someone else feels the same way about ....things that you thought were unique to you....its all there, trust me....

In every page you encounter happiness....and it just spreads to every molecule of you...like she says :)

And mind you, the best part of the book is that it is really...how shall I put it????...all-encompassing? complete?... whatever....I urge you to read it and decide......it is a very intelligent, high-level perspective of our lives..

Not one single word in the book do I  wish should be changed....and with every page, all that I could think of was that I must share this book with everyone I know...which is exactly what I am doing now :).

La belle et le bad boy

Whenever my phone rings, people invariably ask me what my ringtone means. Actually, it is a track featured in SATC where Carrie finds her Carrie Necklace, which she thought she had lost. The background is that she had just left her life and friends back in NY and had moved to Paris at the behest of her artist boyfriend. The track begins to play when she suddenly finds her necklace (she had just then put a party that was being hosted in her honor on hold to give moral support to her boyfriend, who was busy showing off his art to critics, peers and investors and totally ignoring her despite having promised her that he will never leave her hand that evening) and she decides on an impulse to go to HER party, and do the things that are important to her.

I loved it the moment I heard it (though I cant claim I like Carrie all that much), but this is really something, and I have retained all the lines from the SATC which impose on the original song, including when she suddenly announces to the doorman "Tell that man I had to go" and rushes off to her party...Check it out

Angel of the Morning

Not new, but never loved it more or found more meaning in it than I do now...

There 'll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can find your heart
And there's no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start
I see no need to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me
Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away from me

Maybe the sunlight will be dim
But it won't matter anyhow
If morning's echoes say we've sinned
Then it was what I wanted now
And if we're victims of the night
I won't be blinded by the light

Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning
Then slowly turn away from me

Baby baby baby

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me
Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me
Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel

Just can't get enough of this song these days. Composed by Chip Taylor and originally sung by Evie Sands, there are over 35 versions in play today. Check this one out by Nina Simone.

As I see it

The play of perspectives !!!