What atleast really means!

A very good friend of mine recently got engaged to this girl he had been going out with for 2 years. I had never met her and so asked them out for lunch when they were in town last weekend. But my friend seemed reluctant to bring her, which I thought was strange. Anyhow, she finally ended up coming.

To my unpleasant surprise, throughout the meal she kept nagging, taunting and critising my poor friend who just couldnt get a break. I am really not exaggerating here - she was downright rude and a TOTAL shrew! She kept snapping at him, jeering at his every sentence and generally trivialising everything he said. My friend is this really nice guy - kind, timid and really quite harmless. So I didnt see why she had to be that way.

If they werent engaged, I would really have told her off, but I decided to swallow my anger. Also, it was none of my business - you can never tell what holds a couple togther and for all I knew, they could be really happy.

But I couldnt resist in asking - so when she went out to take a call, I cautiously asked - are you sure this is the right girl for you?

Pat came the reply - No.

Then why are you engaged?

Atleast I am getting some!

Not really a Monopoly

Monopoly Lover??

Yes – have you seen the new versions on the stands? The American one with all the skyscrapers and New York neighborhoods???? Eww! They actually have cars, and limos…talk about lame! And the INDIAN version???? Much as I love India, I cant think shelf of  Old Kent Road as Gawhati :( And I cant imagine a board without Liverpool St.

And what the heck is Monopoly Mafia Wars??

Why can’t they just leave good things as they are? Do they HAVE to customize it and pander to the tastes of masses and make it into just another game on the shelf?? :(

No – you’re really missing something!

My firm belief is that there isn’t a third, because no one can just know it and not love it!

We now know from swanky, but what about stupid?

Some people are about the finer bits.

Is the thought-bucket really that deep? Heres something that illustrates the point.

A supplementary titled Luxury must-haves for every CEO (which by the way, is a contradiction in terms ) in an Indian edition of an internationally acclaimed magazine ...heres your clue - starts with an F and ends with an S and has an O R B E in between...Now take a wild guess??

Anyways, of the seemingly wondrous things recommended, the first pitch was for washroom decor, if you please.  

Imagine a sumptuous bathroom where everything is interwoven to create a seamless, unique and evolved form.  It is the alchemy between the inner-self and the world and the makers call it "a new sense of lightness", a more emotive way of looking at things. Here, water itself is the design object.   

Never mind that the piece in question was obscenely expensive and by no stretch of imagination a value for money in real terms. Or so it seems..but people who believe that they would connect with something they couldnt otherwise would believe in it.

It cant be, can it? Isnt this a classic case of polishing brass hoping to turn it into gold?

Is this really an experience only few can afford or is it something you can get and more by just watching the sea?

My name is nobody

Random Man: I really respect women.

Me: Why?

Man: Eh?

Me: Why?

Man: What??

Me: Why do you respect women?

Man: Uh, because, um...we should respect them.

Yeah right !!!

I cant stand these patronizing sorts, who are sort of sexists in cuter outfits. And I dont get the 'respect women' part, I really don't see why they should be "respected", whatever that means.

Another irritating conversation Ive had lots of times.

Random Uncle/ Auntie: You work in villages? You travel so much, you must be finding it very difficult.

Me: No, I don't.

Uncle: Why don't you take a job at a bank or something? It'll be easier for you, and you can be at home always.

Thanks uncle, you just described one of my worst nightmares.

Stupidopolis

Three things I hear a lot these days, and I cant decide which is the stupidest of the lot: 

Why do you think so much?

Huh, because I have a brain? 

Don’t lie to yourself.

Yeah right, like you would know... 

I  NEVER read.

Really? Then I suggest you throw yourself away, and start all over again…

Ok, I guess its Friday night and I feel jaded, so I am just being mean….

Your giggle, my grimace

This is totally random I know, but nothing disgusts me more than people esp girls who giggle. I think they are terribly silly and you know, dumb?? Yeah, I know I sound too contemptuous, but I just don't get people who do it, and somehow, I think if someone finds something really funny, it is impossible not to laugh out loud, and more so, giggle. Really, I am losing it just writing about it. I can even go to the extent of saying that giggling is so fake because you are not laughing at something in good humor. Either they are collectively making fun of someone or they are nervous, or they want to impress someone....these are my three categories of giggling specimens....and none of them justify the fantastic idiocy.....

I meet all the three on a regular basis, for instance lots of people giggle at my Tamil (or Malayalam) cos they think it is very weird (ok, this I can accept, cos I really cant speak any language other than English properly) ...then I meet the ones who giggle when I talk to them cos they "didant know Yinglish" ...apparently this is a sentence they can NEVER say with a straight face without going into uncontrollable splits for no reason (we are supposed to smile benignly and wait for the hysterics to subside)...but the VERY WORST are the groups of girls who giggle flirtatiously at "pasanga" ( boys, sheesh !!!) - I meet countless of these on buses and trains esp on my trips to villages..Man...whenever I meet the flirtatious giggling types, I fervently wish the Earth would just split open and swallow either me or them !!!

Sophistry at its best

The word diplomatic is slowly beginning to acquire a negative connotation. It somehow conveys that all a diplomatic person does is manage to say unpleasant things sweetly or make a no sound like a yes. Of course, I am talking only about its usage in family or friends' circles. It is also fascinating to find that sophistry is now being made out to be witty and is being looked upon as something desirable. Consider these:

Q: Do you know if there is a plot against him?
A: No
It appears to be a straight answer. But then...There is no plot or you don't know?

Here is another similar example:

Q: Are you saying that the Prime Minister is not subject to the Official Secrets Act?
A: No
Q: No he is, or no he isn't?
A: Yes

Another:

Q: Is the rumour true?
A: Yes
Q: Really?
A: Yes, Its true that it is rumoured.

But this takes the cake:

"....the inquiries reveal a hideous web of corruption that forms a blot on the functioning of the Government..."

Make a wild guess on how inane the interpretation of the above statement can get??....I am sure you wouldn't have bargained for this one:

Webs form blots. But this can't be true since spiders don't have ink. So the statement is wrong!!!

Don't tear your hair out yet...It can get worse.....With another flash of inspiration:

Webs can't form blots since spiders don't have ink. Only cuttlefish.

For a wild moment , let us assume that the above statement is made in good faith. It is supposed to convey that webs can't form blots, since spiders don't have ink. And only cuttlefish can form blots (since they have ink?).

But consider the following interpretations which are also possible:

1. Webs can't form blots, they can form only cuttlefish.
2. Spiders don't have ink, they have only cuttlefish.

Equally probable, maybe technically correct but unbelievably asinine. This style of speaking is becoming increasingly popular. Right from conversations over the dinner table to all the "comedy shows". I really miss dry, sarcastic, subtle humor which is hard to find in popular media.

The above examples are examples of sophistry taken from the Yes Minister series since I couldn't bring myself to quote from the Laughter Challenge or similar other shows, which I have to watch, thanks to my brother. Challenge is the right word.