Just dropping in

Well, Ive been keeping myself busy enough over the past week and generally staying out of trouble, although sometimes I have this crazy urge to tempt fate ...the last few months were wonderfully numb, and now its high on emotions....what with this terrible sense of restlessness that I just cant shake off...

You know, a friend of mine recently submitted this blog for review and the reviewers said that it seemed as if a different person had written each post...isnt that funny?? :)  I would never have thought so...They also said that my blog needs a consistent personality and that they were not able to tag it...well, what do I say to that?? : )

But you know, maybe I should think about what they said...and its true that off-late I feel the lack of an anchor very keenly....seriously....and people are so grounded in reality...they find comfort in their routines and everything matters to them....sometimes a part of me wishes I was like them...and  sometimes I hope I never ever become like them....see, even my outlook is not consistent :(

I dont know what I am waiting for really....these small occasional surges of hope that everything will miraculously fall in place....but they wont no? Things will never get alright, will they??? Its like the seasons of the year...you live through each and they are different and so you dont feel the monotony..but thats just a sham cos its repetitive... and therefore Ive come to conclude that we are a very optimistic species :)

And I really dont like being made to feel like I have choices when I dont, if you get my drift....thats the only lesson Ive really learnt so far...and it applies to all of us...think about it...the shallower the waters you test, the less evident it will be to you...Huh!! So much for optimism !!!

Anyways, most of this is rhetoric and its not even fair that I waste blogspace on all this...esp on New Years Eve and all that....if I cant write peppy posts, the least I can do is to not descend gloom on you right ? :)

So I better sign off here...
Happy New Year!!

What should I say?

Theres this oft-quoted saying - If a diplomat says yes he means maybe, if he says maybe he means no and if he says no, he is not a diplomat.  

I think diplomacy is not for everyone simply because it doesn't work if it  is not natural. Often, people in their effort to be politically correct end up sounding weak-minded  and cowardly or worse, opinion-less. Instead of coming across as discreet, they come across as wimps, if you will pardon the expression.

On the other hand, there are lots of people who are forthright and blunt but manage to remain non-contravertial and retain confidences. This too is a skill and can go horribly wrong if you don't do it right. Personally, I dont trust people who are needlessly free with information nor do I consider what they say credible. They may be only being open or frank or whatever but they run the risk of sounding indiscreet (or blabber-mouths, like we would say in school) and therefore not trust-worthy.

Then there is this third, very tempting option - to say something but say nothing. If you observe the people around you, you'll be surprised to see how many people practise this, though they have different ways of doing it. Some resort to absolute non-responses like - are you sure?. Some choose to answer questions with a question, a tactic that works very well. Yet others use placebo words to soften the blow.

Its up to you to find the Golden Mean in all this.

You must be thinking - huh, why this exercise? Lets just be our natural selves. Yes, I wouldve agreed with you around two months back. But now, thanks to the lawyer episode, I am just a little wiser and I thought I must share this...

But personally, from having very little to say to anyone and not really caring to respond, I totally advocate Omerta!

Sweet Nothings!

Sometimes you feel there like you can never be happy the way you were...it happens...though I am not sure if to everyone...and the small hopes that surface once in a while get squashed quickly....I really dont know how to combat this...because even while doing the happiest of things, there is this cloud of sadness...

The only thing I can think of is to not let it stop you from doing the things you love...the small things that  once gave you joy...even if they dont anymore, and hope for the best....

Ive been living  this thought all week and I went ahead and did these things in spite of how I felt...

* I had ragi and sugarcane juice from a mobile food van for fifteen rupees..
* I made maggi with cheese and ate it over coffee and stories with my favorite aunt...

* Bought myself a whole lot of colored glass bangles from a pushcart vendor.

* Laughed to Calvin & Hobbes with a friend, eating mangoes with salt.

* Played cricket with kids on the road..

* Went for lovely Italian dinner with three of my friends and had loadsa cheese and wine and took lots of pics..

* Ate oranges in the sun while watching the traffic from the terrace, all by myself....

* Got drenched in the rain

* Went out for ice-cream with cousins

* Slept under the stars after a long time...

And I feel a lot lot better!

The 65th

I cant believe it is my 65th post....somehow 65 seems bigger than  even a 100..and I cant believe I lasted this long...

To write more of what matters to you or to write more of  what will be useful to others also? Thats a tough choice.

The lost wonders

I am not very well-traveled and thats something that really has to change. So a resolution I made (which I know I'll stick to simply because its so much fun) is to take a foreign holiday every year. Now I know what to save up for!! And the family trip next year to the Lasa Mountains has been on the cards for a long time now so hopefully it should materialise...I was thinking today where to go after that....whats the harm in a little wishful thinking? :)

My colleague once told me - you are a pro-UFO person. Well, yes!!! I most certainly am and I totally heart pro-UFO people. I firmly and sincerely believe that civilizations superior to ours must exist somewhere in the Universe simply because its very complacent to assume that they dont.

I vaguely knew that there is a whole lot of evidence that suggests this in South America, which is why I wanted to go there next. So today I spent a lot of time reading up on it. And I was totally unprepared for some of the astounding facts I found. The probable implications are impossible for me to contemplate which is why I felt I MUST share and hence this post....

We have all wondered whatever possessed the pre-Incan people to build the Nazca Lines, or how was it possible that a hundreds-of-years-old calendar having equinoxes, astronomical seasons and even the positions of the Moon for every hour was found in a mud pit in Tiahuanaco?

But check out this drawing on a cliff at the Bay of Pisco, hundreds of years old.. It is the drawing of an 820 foot high stone sign which is there on the Red Cliffs...You tell me, is it not madness on their part to build something like this? Assuming they did not have the modern machinery we have, it wouldve taken decades, if not more!! Why is it there?? What does it mean? It has a long rope in the centre which serves as a pendulum...it is a sign-post..but for whom??? Who on Earth needed an 820 foot long signpost at that age???

Then theres the Great Idol which I CANT die without seeing. The symbols on it  record the state of the Heavens some 27,000 years ago and is a sort of  a knowledge base for future generations. And its still not clear if it was devised by men on Earth or handed to them from....I dunno...Anyhow, disregarding the superb precision of its symbols or its construction and the quality of the sandstone  which must have been inconceivable during that time, it contains a huge mass of astronomical knowledge, which were indeed based on a round Earth and differs from the present day estimates by 0.4 seconds....it even conforms to the Theory of Satellites published in 1927, five years before the idol was discovered....alright, but 27000 years????

Then there is the Gate of the Sun....the weight of this single piece of masonry is something like 10 tons. How did they even build it at that time? It depicts a flying God. It talks of a golden spaceship and in it came a woman  who said she was the Great Mother of Earth, she had four webbed fingers, and she returned to space. Could this have happened? Why not?? We will also seem like Gods with amazing powers and abilities to a civilization which has just begun...

In the city of Sacsahahuaman, we have a rock that  is thousands of years old...and is something like 20,000 tonnes standing on its head....it has been quarried and transported...with rock vitrification possible only at the highest temperatures...HOW did they manage that???? and in it are inscribed calculations which if we convert to our notation is 195955200000000...a 15 digit number...well, the Greeks never rose beyond 10,000 even in the best of their times..

I could go on and on but I wont, mostly because its too tedious to type all this...but I simply cant wait to visit all these places with their fascinating histories...the expenses might get prohibitive since some of these cant be reached even by road.. but it'll be a tragedy if we dont see all this no??.....

Talk about lost worlds!....and yes, I am more pro-UFO than ever today :P

Financial help - need vs want

An email I received in response to an article I wrote: 

Hi 
I have built delinquency models for a leading bank in the sub-prime market. I was really shocked about the high interest rates and the profits generated in the sub-prime market. This was before it collapsed.

Your article "Micro-credit Bubble?" of August 2009 makes interesting reading.

I am one of the many Indians “doing well” in Canada. Today, my house value is $500K. In 5 years it grew from $350K. My wife and I have two cars and an outstanding mortgage of $200K and a car loan of $10K.

In reality if I look back, I have been brain washed to: 

1. Have a good house, all appliances, latest gadgets, cars and keep increasing my wealth.

2. On getting a good job, I was brain washed to buy a house and build equity. The price of the first house was $200K, which was more that what its actual economic price must be. Having a good job and good credit score never made me think it was highly priced. The first time I learnt about high price was recently – when the housing market collapsed in the US.  Housing prices kept on rising and within 5 years of buying my first home, its market price was $280K. At the same time, my salary and my wife’s salary had grown but not at 40% over 5 years.

3. I and my wife were made to feel we could go for a house worth $350K. We sold our first house bought the second at $350K and new furniture and new appliances. Now 5 years later it is $500K

What did I achieve? 

1. A significant portion of my earnings have gone to repay interests on mortgages and house taxes and insurances.  My real purpose of earning was not for paying mortgages and house taxes. 

2. I have a loan of $210K. I had no loans when I stepped into Canada.

3. We have a very luxurious house. I and my wife come from very simple families. We now feel all this is a waste. It does not serve any economic purpose. We are stuck in the system. In reality we do not have economic freedom.

4. The market price of my house is $500K when its economic value is around $200K or less.

I see "economic growth" in India or is it an opportunity for the rich to become richer? I have been talking to those “benefited” by financial help. Unknown to the person who earns and pays his or her loans - there are many in the system who keep on "benefiting" by this financial help. These FI’s keep on making people go into higher and higher loans every time they clear their earlier loans. The interest rates in India are much more than in Canada. Anyone like me can borrow at 3.25% or less and give at 12.5% or more as a micro-finance loan. In the process, rather than helping the needy, the MFI is helping the rich become richer.

I want you to think about it. Build economic values and not capitalistic values. Ensure the women who the targets of MFIs, do not end up financially exploited by MFIs.  Reduce greed.

I look forward to your views.

A visit of sorts - nD musings

It will take around 14,000 million years to travel to the edge of the observable Universe, even if we travel at the speed of light. 

The operative word here is observable. This fact never ceases to astound me. How distressingly small are we! It is as if the Universe and its existence is this wondrous machine and we on Earth have access to one tiny part of it. And with our limited resources and our exposure to that tiny part, we are trying to fathom how the entire machine works...

This may never happen because we are limited by our abilities. For example, we know that some animals and birds can see colors that we can’t see or hear sounds that we can’t hear. There may be countless other such things  we may never know of. So how can we understand something if we are not aware that it is there?

Moreover, we are limited to a mere three dimensions (apart from time) while the Superstring Theory accurately predicts ten dimensions of space and time in existence. Think of the huge limitations we face because of this!

Just as an example of what we might be missing, imagine a 2D world like a sheet of paper. Take a look at this picture I’ve painstakingly drawn. Person A (the one with a red left arm and a green right arm ) can never assume the position of person B (arm color reversed) in a 2D scenario simply because there is no height or rather the space to make the transition. Left and right cannot be interchaged on a 2D surface. But we in 3D can lift him up, simply flip him over and he can be converted to person B. So what seems impossible in a 2D world is easy in 3D.

Interestingly, A can be converted to B if he moves on a Mobius Strip (see pic). Just take a strip of paper, twist it in the center and join the edges. So if A moves along the surface of the strip, even in a 2D world, he can flip over. So it is possible, after all...Wouldnt it be awesome if we too had something like this? Ive racked my brains enough to come up with a possible counterpart in 3D, but no avail. If you have any ideas, please tell me.

Imagine the miracles we can perform if we had access to just another dimension. But unfortunately, we can’t even imagine it :( Access to a fourth dimension would definitely give us God-like powers. For instance, we can walk out of closed doors, pass right through objects, see everything that happens on the Earth at any given moment, etc. To understand this, once again consider a person who is in prison in a 2D world (see pic). So for him to get out, the circle around him should be broken. But we in 3D can lift him out; wont it seem miraculous to the other people in 2D that he got out without breaking the circle? So think of similar miracles someone in a higher dimension can perform on us?

Ive thought a lot about this. Its very unsettling. The possibilities are unending. Think about this – we believe that our Earth is rotating and revolving around the Sun. What if someone from a higher dimension who can see it from outside in its entirety tells us that the Earth is actually stationary and it is everything else that is moving? Yeah, I know this is far-fetched :) But really, what if all our beliefs are false?

That’s anyways happening now - Space is flat is turning out to be a baseless assumption – we now find it more likely to be curved. Moreover, the shortest distance between two points need not be a straight line. It could be an interstellar chasm. Oh, the possibilities….

Anyhow, the laws of nature formulated on Earth seem counter-intuitive since they are fragmented and disparate, almost inelegant I would say. And by saying this, I mean absolutely no disrespect to all the brilliant theoretical physicists who spent their lives discovering and formulating them. All I am saying is that it seems as if they are the parts of a jigsaw puzzle which even after pieced together completely makes no sense. And that’s supposed to be the beauty of the fourth dimension - the laws have “space” to fit there and that one glorifying equation can emerge.

But speaking of nature, I think man is unnatural. This is my personal opinion – because as we know, nature always abhors a gradient but man totally thrives on it.

Tell it like it is

Make believe you're brave and the trick will take you far...
You may be as brave as you make believe you are...

These lines from the King & I sure have replaced counting sheep these days.....

Who will guard the guards?

News comes to us in fragments. Scandals, accidents, allegations, verdicts - we rarely connect the dots and see the power-play involved in what seem like isolated incidents stretched over many years. More so because we are so totally removed from it and dont have any stake in it. They are after all, stories of  "other people".

This is the story of a family friend, which I learnt just yesterday. I had no idea whatsoever, and it left me shaken to the bone. Here is the gist, without too many details.

Building a medical institute from scratch is no easy play - the licenses, the paperwork, the permissions, the bureaucracy, the brown envelopes, the marketing, building the competencies and facilities, the investments, the risks - many a time people give up because it doesn't seem worth all the trouble. But this gentleman was not one of those - he persisted and succeeded in building  what went on to become one of the  biggest and most well-reputed medical institutes in India.

Once it was established and started earning good repute, he got a call from a  Union Minister asking him to resign from the institute. The Minister wanted to gift his son-in-law the Directorship of the institute. This gentleman (lets call him SJ) refused. But not wanting to earn the wrath of the political party in power, he agreed to have the son-in-law co-appointed as the Joint Managing Director.

They didn't agree to this compromise. SJ had the patronage of the Chief Minister in the state (from a different political party, of course) which protected him from life threats and so he was able to continue  without any problems for a while. But then, the Union Minister and his party hacks decided to discredit SJ and filed a false case on  him, accusing him of fraud. They created dummy witnesses and bogus evidences. But still, he refused to resign from his post.

In the meanwhile, the Chief Minister changed because his party lost power in the state. Now, there was no hope for any help from them. But SJ and his family fought till the last - they lost their assets, their house, their land in their effort to save their own repute and that of their institute. They fought for seven long years. The case went up to the Supreme Court and finally, the verdict came in their favor...all their struggle had paid off....

The very next day, there was yet another false case filed on him. He resigned immediately.

All that you have is your soul

Maybe everyone has got it wrong. I think we as humans sold ourselves real short by settling  down with sound as the prime means of communication, its so shaky and fickle, untenable and vanishes into air without a record or a mark...ummm...an intentional loophole in the so-called design????  if hedges and walls could talk, it'll be a dark day...

And why didnt we evolve so that our minds and hearts could speak on their own???? There must be a reason...imagine if you cant control what you communicate :P wow !!!

Wish there was not a vanity gene...Wish there was not a cover...Wish what we reap is what we sow...Wish man could start over...

And who shall I say is calling?

I don’t want the dust to settle down. Where do you see yourself in the next five years would invite some interesting answers now :) Ever got the feeling that everything is pre-planned and it would’ve been more prudent to trust your instincts from the start? It’s a lot like traffic – random, tedious and mostly unnecessary.  

Speaking of which, Ive been traveling a lot over the last week - I went to Ramnagara, Chennai and Hyderabad, and in that order. 

Ramnagara is called the Silk Town, where Sholay was supposedly shot and is quite a beautiful place. Doesn’t quite have the small-town charm but it was a good break. I was there only for a day. We ate the famous ragimudhe, drank lots of sugarcane juice, learnt about silk reeling, met loadsa people and generally chilled out.

Ironically, I met a Kannur Muslim family – they were three sisters who were married to three brothers (why do people do this) from Karnataka and they hated it here. They missed mallu food, mallu people, mallu weather…..well, mallu life. They were pretty happy to be able to talk to me, though my Malayalam is quite shaky. They spoke nineteen to dozen about everything under the sun and while I was leaving they asked “Chaya edukatte?” (shall I make some tea?). I was really delighted, Kerela chaya is definitely my cup of tea:)

Left to myself, I would have never gone to Chennai or Hyderabad again simply because it’s trouble handed on a silver platter, complete with garnishing and side-orders. Chennai, I had to go for a meeting. Only it didn’t feel like Chennai at all. Even the auto-drivers seemed tame, the weather was nice and seeing the pre-paid counter at the railway station did not make my insides flip. Ditto Galloping Gooseberries, TDS and even the Taj Coromondel.  But once, I had to cross my old house to meet one of my friends who also stayed in the same building, but I resolutely looked away. I feel a vague sort of disconnect these days that is quite hard to shake off. I would say it’s some sort of an acquired nonchalance, difficult to put in words.    

Hyderabad, unlike Chennai was different since I didn’t quite know where the places to avoid were located. And it is bearable, if you go by train and avoid the airport. I met three of my really good friends, and felt more like myself again though the feeling was short-lived. Me meeting them after a good year-and-a-half, but we could easily pick up from where we left off. That’s very important I feel, because drifting apart is one thing, but moving on to speak different languages is another. Many a times, when I talk to people who've been my friend for years, I suddenly find that we don’t get the other anymore. It’s a sinking feeling, that…and then from there on, you remain friends only for old times’ sake, and talk only about mundane stuff and wish each other on birthdays and New Years…

Anyways, we hung out – talked for eons about nothing, cooked over silly jokes (made awesome poha, tomato pasta and cheese & pineapple sticks), listened to music in the dark, smoked up, went on mall-marathons and even tried the famous fish spa, where “doctor fish” are your masseurs. Twas quite freaky at first, and then pretty ticklish, not to mention ridiculously overpriced. My phone cam gave out and therefore I don’t have ready pics to post.

I ended up doing a lot of stuff against my better judgment though. I actually lunched at Waterfront; never thought I could go back there. It didn’t seem quite so scary in the afternoon, though I am not sure I would’ve survived a dinner there. And I did feel a pang when I saw the Cinema Paradiso and the W showroom :(. But why does it seem like from another life sometimes and so painfully sad at others?? :(           

And while we're on that, when will I meet John Galt?           

Anyways, I was talking about traffic. Yes, traffic really !!! I mean, REALLY, come to think of it. Wow, the time each person has on his hands to reach wherever he must, the resources at his disposal - vehicles and all that, and where he has to go and why…wow…aint it perfectly symbolic??? My respect for traffic just leapfrogged :)  It even captures things like the divide, which is irrelevant since emotions aint relative. No, they are not, which is not fair, since we tend to pretend they are and try to count blessings. Atleast I do. Well, that’s a different debate, so lets leave that on the side for a bit.

Anyways, everything sort of blends and sorts itself and you eventually begin to believe it couldn’t have been any other way because if there was any better, it would’ve happened. I am not there yet, but the subscribers to this theory can do no better than place all their bets on the future :) The other extreme must be the sorts who claim to know precisely which side of their bread is buttered at any given point of time :)          

True no? What do you say??     

P.S: Forever is a stupid word.

Back to Malory Towers

“Bother and blow and bllllaaast !!!”,  swore my little cousin, stamping her foot.

I looked at her in amusement; it’s been a while since I heard anyone talk like this.

“Oh dear, he will be so cross!”

Cross! I can’t remember when I last said that.

“Why is he such a goody-goody little prig? Always so prim and proper no?”.

Aww…isn’t she cute?                                                  

“He will climb on to his highest horse and stay there forever. Like butter won’t melt in his mouth”…

Strike again!! I wished she would keep talking forever. 

Don’t worry, its not that big a deal, I told her.

Notice how colorless and bland my language sounds in comparison? 

“No no, he will grouch about it forever like a bear with a sore head. Or a giraffe with a sore throat”. 

I started laughing, I couldn’t help it. 

“You are laughing at me? Go boil your head and fry your face”. 

I wished I could adopt her.

Damn…I wish I was twelve again…

Freak Magnet

This actually happened a few days back and frankly, I didnt think it was worth blogging. But still, I thought I'll write about it.

I was on my way somewhere in an auto that morning. There was this guy in a scooter, mustve been around 50, who was staring at me continuously and making inappropriate gestures and following  us. My auto driver was meek, not the strong type and evidently didn't want any trouble. No amount of speeding up or taking side-roads could get rid of the scooter. I wasnt too bothered, I mean, what harm can anyone possibly do in the broad daylight on crowded roads?

When we stopped at a signal, the guy pulls up very close to us and says "Why are you staring at me? What do you want?" or something to that effect in Kannada, in an ultra-loud voice, enough to turn all heads..."She is following me and harassing me", he told all the onlookers, who didnt care to reply.

That was when I began to get angry. Who was following whom and staring and all that, not to mention the mouth puckering and the other sick gestures? Who in wide world did this guy think he was??? I cant tell you how angry I got, far far disproportionate to what the situation merited. Sometimes I get violently angry and this was one of those occasions. I was so enraged, I couldnt get any words out to reply and neither did I want a verbal spat in the middle of the road. Thankfully, the signal lasted only a few seconds, and when it lifted, he continued to follow, this time saying stuff like "I'll show you people".

I told the auto to stop at a Police Station on the way. I was determined to teach the guy a lesson. The auto guy was reluctant to stop to which, I told him that if he didnt, I'll  be forced to complain against him also (all his details were there on the Drivers Details sheet at the back of his seat, which is a compulsory display for all autos in Bangalore).

So he stopped and to give credit where its due, he offered to come inside with me and confirm my story. I didnt expect that from a guy who wasnt willing to even stop and was pleasantly surprised. I really expected him to just drop me off and be on his way. People sure are unpredictable at times. The scooter guy, he also stopped grandly and started yelling at us without noticing that we were in front of the Police Station, but as soon as he realised, he was off before we could blink. I should really start driving, no?

P.S: Today I learnt that one hookah session is the same as 100 smokes, since it is tobacco filtered through water.

Simply because I say so

I decided to shake off all that despondency....literally. You see, I was supposed to go to away this weekend, but had to stay back cos of that dammed lawyer thingy, and the whole thing was just beginning to get to me....And when in doubt of any sort, go book shopping...remember these words always..they are very wise :)

I decided to get a sandwich from Subway first, its one of the things that always cheers me up. Unfortunately,  Transit is always packed with couples, who've begun to sort of irritate me lately... I mean, I hope I never look like that to anyone..either they're giggly and all over each other or they're depressed and the girl is crying. And you can always tell if they are married, in which case they usually look bored out of their wits...

Anyways, couples I can take but Bryan Adams I cannot...And he seems to be following me everywhere these days determined to talk of his "love"....will someone please tell him its not kind??

So I gave up on Subway and decided to to go to Landmark. I defiantly pushed past the the Lost Symbol, determined to find something I can actually relate to. Now, it could be me, I could be totally out of it but ..Death by Chick Lit, J-Pod, Six steps to Superwoman....what are people thinking???

Nah...its definitely not me....

I picked up some good stuff....Song Man (a sequel to the Guitar Man), At Large and at Small and I see you everywhere (am too lazy to add links, sorry)....and while waiting in the queue for the billing, I picked up the Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy, a book I always wanted to read...

"That book is different. I can tell you that much"....said a pleasant voice belonging to a cheery American standing behind me..we'll call him CA for short ok. CA and I got talking about books; we talked a lot because it was a very loooong queue...the conversation was pretty nice, and somehow, Americans Ive met always have had a very good sense of humor, the kind that makes you feel warm....CA's daughter was there too, a little girl, mustve been 7 or 8, and very sweet people they were..... I think I laughed more in those 10 mins than all of the last month's days put together....

So I bounded back into Subway after that, cheerful and feeling like I earned my sandwich, confident that even Bryan Adams cant chase me away this time...and as luck wouldve had it, CA and kid were there too, and we shared a table....They're here in India for a short while, and the kid took it upon herself to tell me all about her school and family and friends...its been a while Ive listened to a kid talk......and CA told me about all the places he's traveled to and all that he intends to do....

"Nothing like an unplanned trip with just a backpack"...yes sir, we fully agree...

Speaking of which, I'm getting a bit restless here in India...I suddenly feel like going to Rome :(

"Taking trips alone can do wonders for you...whatever you do, dont go in a big group" ...Seconded again, Captain...

"Of course, nothing beats going with a fun partner"....Aye, theres the rub :)

Another brick in the wall

I guess I should be posting my lessons learnt from the lawyer melodrama, but it is still underway, and me too exhausted to write about it now, so I'll settle for rubbing my friday melancholy off on you. Twilight, dusk and eventually the dark - theres no better place to watch it than through your office window, when all others have left because they have plans.....when the call to prayer from the Mosque nearby is your cue to leave for the day...

Some people put it a lot better than I.

D-Day

Today is the D-day :( the final confrontation with that lawyer I wrote about sometime back..I am all nerves...

When you say nothing at all

Q: What is the biggest challenge that sports in India has to overcome? 
A:  Lack of infrastructure and a change in the mindset of people. 

Q: What is the one reform that will help banks and financial institutions in India function smoothly? 
A: De-regulation. There are too many controls. 

Q: What are the major issues in the education system today? 
A: Lack of professionals trained to meet the actual needs of the sector.

Note that the answers for the three questions are inter-changeable, and would make perfect sense if we did so.

When I was in college, I used be really disillusioned with such suggestions from experts and practitioners. I hated what I thought were their usual bromides - innovation, collaboration, working together, all-inclusive solutions, holistic approaches blah blah. To me, they always seemed disinclined to take a stand or say something concrete. After every such speech or interview, I used to ask myself - Have I learnt anything new from this? The answer used to be an invariable NO. So, I stopped listening when they spoke, I used to automatically tune out. I decided not to read their interviews anymore (unless it contained facts).

To me, they sounded like the horoscope pages which print stuff like "The week ahead will be slightly disturbing. You should believe more in yourself and not take things so seriously. You should be careful with your spending and be more assertive".

Well, really !! This is equivalent to saying nothing. Almost everyone on earth will identify with something so loosely-worded and it will always sound like good advice in hindsight. Even my dog can do better, you dont have to be a fortune-teller to come up with stuff like this. Atleast, thats what I used to think.....

So anyway, coming back to what I was saying, the answers from so-called industry experts seemed as lame as these ambiguous insights from the horoscope tellers. And I held them in very low regard until very recently, until I found myself doing the same thing.

There is this socio-economico-political crisis in some districts of Karnataka that I have been covering for the past six months or so. I had interviewed most of the concerned stake-holders, seen the relevant records, had access to the related data and traced the developments. Therefore, I know most of what there is to know about the issue, which makes me a sort of an expert, given that not many people have too many insights into this.

When this problem was being discussed in blogs at work, I felt compelled to point out the biggest problem  as I saw it  -“The poor who are most affected due to the crisis, are not being involved in the negotiations. This should be corrected”.

Now really, did I have to do all that researching and all those field visits to be able to say this? Its only common sense that the people who are directly affected by anything should be involved in the decisions concerning it. The statement I made is even vaguer than the interviews quoted above.  It is like saying  power to the people, which has got to be the oldest glitterary ever. But to me, it made perfect sense, because in my opinion, no solution could ensue without that…This was the one reform that was needed…But if someone read my "informed opinion", they would think no more of me than what I thought of others.

It really got me thinking about how judgmental I had been. Maybe, their answers seem so over-arching to us because we view the problem from a very low perspective. After all, the more you know about something, the more strategic you are bound to get. And at a really high level, everything seems the sameJ

Though it is well-known that most people willfully say nothing, I should really stop dissing all of them so regardlessly.

Lesson learnt truly and well….

Mindsweeper

I think in lines. Every single thought in my mind, especially when I am weighing stuff  or envisioning a process manifests as lines and more irritatingly, levels. Sometimes spaces and areas.

For example, lets say someone wants to get over an addiction which was harmful, say smoking. Now the results of doing that will be:

+ for results that reflect positively.

- for bad or the opposite, where the damage is being undone and therefore not very pretty.

+ - (during initial days) 

++ --

+++ ---

++++ ----

+++++ -----

(Lets say this is the equivalent of center, notice how the bad shows up at its worst sometime in the middle, sometimes overpowering the positives). Then it kinda recedes.

++++++ ----

+++++++ ---

++++++++ --

+++++++++ -

 Ok now, if the person starts smoking or drinking coffee or whatever again, it'll be like this...

 - ++++++++++

--++++++++++

---++++++++++

----+++++++++

------++++++++

As if he/ she is new at it...U get it? Even if not so symmetric,  you get what me saying?  Atleast, this is what I think it is. So the figure my mind conjures up about de-addiction is something like this, which you have to work at backwards.

This is really how my mind sees stuff around me. Even thoughts I see as similar levels depending on how  much a person reflects:(

When I view two things in conjunction, the lines change to areas, as if they are spray painted...and the movement is sweeping...Sometimes I wish I could break out of this maze, and think in other pictures or shapes or abstract stuff or whatever - see I cant even imagine too many options here:(

With this tendency , I wonder what other glorious inner-eye visions I may be missing...sigh !!!

Ok, I think I am babbling incoherently now, so I'll stop.

A Grassroots' View

Some pics I took in the field recently...

They seemed like a pair of  super-aggressive, persistent and really pesky kids who keep trying to ask you for stuff. But if you think about it, its really sad to see kids so small fighting so hard for everything when they should be playing around....

Unfortunately, I was given the un-accomplishable task of getting taluk maps from a local Government office. This office was a very huge building with lots of people but it had no windows, brick-thick dust lined the walls, did not have electricity, the officials used handfans if you please, 7'o'clock blades to tear papers and slide rulers to draw lines....The pic shows their neat and organised filing cabinet. 

Women going to work at a garment factory. If you read the reports on their working conditions, the indignity and hardships they endure is truly horrible. It also makes me very uncomfortable to see people herded in trucks like this. Dunno why...

Who needs that penthouse when you can live here :)

It was so hot that I couldnt even bear to stand there...But this is their life...day after day after day after day....

This man is 34 years old. He has not gone to school, he works as a wage labourer for 35 rupees a day. He lives off Govt schemes and says he cant remember when he last saw a 100 rupee note.

Tender coconuts the size of helmets :) 4 rupees each :)

A group of children waiting at a Govt school for their "mid-day meal". The food they serve is half cooked and the rice is full of stones. But still, kids fight over their share for it.

This kid doesnt mind working while her friends play. She makes 150 rupees a month, washing vessels.

Mind-boggling superstition. Your caste is your identity. The "difference" between the two dominant castes in this village was that one did not wear a nose-ring because decades ago, when someone went to get a nose-ring for a person from the other caste, he did not return. The two sects have been at logger-heads ever since and are bitter enemies.

 

Every morning, women queue up to take water from the  pipe which is there only for 3 hours in a day. Each family is allowed to take only two pots.

Ragi roti and chutney :) The famous staple food...Impossible to eat, atleast for me. Half the pic was lost but you get the idea?

Why on earth does man do this???

I want to live here :(...fix a tyre on this tree and swing away to glory :(.be lost to the world :(

Well, these were just a few things that caught my eye but I really wished I could capture and freeze every little detail. Because, you know what - its actually true... India really lives in her villages !

What could it be now?

My fave word is aw! Yup I know its not a word, but I love saying it, and not in a good way :)...Sting rocks, he really does. Be still my beating heart is all I tell myself these days, thanks to him :) But not the way he says it though...more like..be still (duh? do you need to say it)....my beating heart (seriously? no kidding???)...

Memo: I must avoid happy couples and if possible, happy people

Gawd...I am hopelessly inarticulate today....what do you say?

You might as well say no comments, cos I aint letting you anyway....

My little Idaho

My friend suggested I blog about my blog....Not a bad idea :)

I love this blog, I really do. I spend a lot of time on it, no with it, everyday. I love tweaking colors and changing the pictures and labels. I love the labels - I love the tacky ones like Mindsweeper or Soulkeeper, I love the regular ones like The Bookshelf, I love the obscure ones which only I understand like The Silhouette, I love the depressing ones like the Black Rainbow...oh, please dont bother to follow the labels, I change them every now and then :)...Except for the Special Someone, all else is likely to change.

Ive learnt a fair lot after I began writing on this blog. I made loadsa blogger friends, and met quite a few like-minded people :) Hey, I even learnt how to fix bugs in XML...cos for all the hype about the flagship Professional Template that this is, with its impressive configurable columns, it has more bugs in it than the number of Chinamen in China. Previously, the comments used to show up haphazardly after  a post and I used to to cringe. But atleast Ive succeed in removing those ugly gray boxes that mask people's names...and the ridiculously-placed timestamp. It really took some doing to fix all that !! I guess you probably dunno what me talking about but it suffices to say that the powers of concentration required to understand the circuitous and elaborate  template code is enough to move a mountain :)

And oh, tell me you like the new collage pic? I spent ages over it, finding the pieces I like, pieces than mean something to me....Its still not as perfect as I would like it to be, but I am getting there.

If you own a blog, you have to own the whole thing. Many times I wonder if it is a good investment of time to find the perfect color for your post title. I used to comb the Internet to search for that elusive bright-but-not-bloodshot matted red...Often I wondered what difference it made to anyone who reads this blog whether the line after the post title is black or orange. These details were maddening I tell you. But this  the price you have to pay if you want your own customized template and are picky about colors. I really wanted a bright-but-not-gawdy page, one that makes me happy whenever I look at it, so I had to put my nose to the grindstone and search for apt shades and tediously work out the details. I dont think it is even noticeable that the comments tab is purple, and the commas between labels are red (this is my chance to point it out)... :P

But it is really worth the effort, because whenever I look at it, I really feel happy, like coming home to your room which is all yours and is set-up the way you like it...

I think my blog is very primitive when I see professional bloggers though..Their blogs are really  functional. But somehow most of the gadgets dont work for me. For instance, I cant stand the extremely popular LinkWithin widget,  which I think is really effective in disrupting the natural course readers would otherwise follow..Or the LibraryThing... I really dislike it, I would much rather manually choose my books and add links to them. Even the Snapshots, I had to micromanage it and limit it only to explicitly cited links - I hate it when they run amok on your post...I dont want anything that thinks on its own, atleast on my blog...If I were to choose my gadgets, I would create a virtual galaxy or something like that. And I would never EVER "monetize" the blog. I dont understand people who do that. And I know I should really remove those random pictures and links in the sidebar, but  they remind me of my enthu when I first started posting :)

Coming to the most difficult part, the actual posts, well first of all, I was an idiot to start posting under my name. That most of my family has my blog is also really limiting. But I am getting better at shedding apprehensions. And I cant imagine what I was thinking when I chose the URL - allthatcanbe??? Duh, how lame was I ??? :) 

My posts are mostly for me...I dont expect many people to relate to them. Thats why it majorly  pisses me off if people tell me not to think so much or make totally tangential comments. Ironically, these are the same people who dont realise that when someone writes something, they are putting themselves out there. It took quite a lot for me to talk about the Special Someone. At times like these, I feel I too should adopt a pseudonym like Raindrop or Moonlight or whatever and maintain total anonymity, and give the URL to only friends, where I could let my tongue wag without a leash. Bloggers are anonymous, for the most part.

Lots of people say I talk utter rubbish anyway, but thats ok. :) And for the five odd readers who religiously read what I write, its really sweet of you :) I love it when  you say you  found my post interesting :) I really do...

But having said all this, I think blogging is just a phase, atleast for me. And I know I am soon going to outgrow it. ...

But for now, its just me, my blog :) so happy together :)

Aint made for each other anymore !!!

Is it me, or are the days painfully slow? Its funny because not only they seem to stretch forever but they also manage to make you feel that they are flying by and you have nothing to show for it....

I have NO idea what I should be doing  these days...whenever I look at the things  I want to do, they seem really frivolous and I cant help wondering if I am waaaaaay off the mark.... with the skating and the star-gazing and the guitar and the books and the volunteering and the field trips and list of places I want to see and the loooooong list of other stuff I intend to do...Should I simply chuck all this and buy a house and a car and think about getting married and "settle down"? Most of the world seems to think that it would be a more worthwhile use of my time and resources. My reply to them is better articulated by my blogger pal Vimal, in his  gentle and moderately-worded post here.

Ok, he was a bit harsh and I dont feel THAT strongly about it, but definitely along the same lines. I wish someone else could think for me. I wish I had a sounding board. I miss having someone to talk to...TALK to, not just talk to, if you know what I mean? Well, of course you dont. If you did, I wouldnt be complaining now, would I? Alright, I'm sorry...Its not just you, its me too. We just dont get each other anymore. Remember our recent conversations? Obviously  you dont. So let me remind you...

U: I bought a flat.

Me: Why? What'll you do with it?

U: What?

Me: Sorry, nothing...(with an insincere smile) Congrats!!!

U: My marriage got fixed.
Me: Oh no!!! Another one bites the dust...
U: What did you say?
Me: Sorry, nothing…(with an insincere smile) Congrats !!!

U (beaming): I got promoted.
Me: So what?
U:  Huh?
Me: Sorry, nothing…Congrats !!!
U: Lets go celebrate.
Me: Celebrate what?

Well, they were something like this anyway. Always are. See, it IS me, do you agree now? Maybe I should just retire from polite society. But you haven't been all that nice too. You don't get me either..Remember the marriage talk? Doesn't ring a bell? I'll remind you again.

U: When you getting married?
Me: I dont know. I am thinking if I should.
U: OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even naxalites marry, even Gandhi married. Its always better to marry.
(Oh no no no, dont look away , you know you said it)
Me (Wishing I could put an axe through your head): Never mind...

And yes, knowing you, you wont get me this time either, so I'll save us both time and  energy and clarify that when I say 'you', I dont mean YOU even if you said the above things. I am merely talking metaphorically, ok? Happy?????

We aint made for each other any more..

Poetry in motion

Me actually made a praxinoscope yesterday. It was on my "to do" list. Though what I made is far from perfect, its a start.

Things you need:

1. A stable light source - a good yellow lamp works the best. But remove the shade, dont let it cast shadows.
2. A disc - actually the lid of any round box will do. Dont get too big a disc, a radius of  7-8 cms is good. This disc should be fixed at a height so that the lamp shines directly on it from the side  perpendicular to where you will view it. Fix it at a height of atleast 15 cms. The above disc should be freely rotating - I used a candle stand for fixing the disc since it has a sharp pointed edge and a decent base to support it.

3. A shiny (preferably made of mirror) cylinder, that should be fixed at the centre of the disc. This is the most important component. While choosing this, try placing it on any picture and see if you like the reflection of the picture on the cylinder. This is how your "film" will look eventually :). Of course a partitioned cylinder like the one in the attached pic works the best, but I couldn't find one. Also, the cylinder in this pic is short, mine was longer and therefore the image was kinda distorted. The radius of the cylinder should be 3-4 cms. The wider the better actually. But it should not be less than 1/3rd your disc radius. The cylinder should NOT rotate, only the disc should. Glue it if you must, but it shouldn't rotate, ok? The rotating disc in the pic is not flat, but I would advise a flat one.

4. Good white paper that is cut in a circle, the shape of the disc minus cylinder. Doing this is tough but make many of these. You'll need them :). Make a slit to fix it easily on the disc, around the cylinder.

5. A screen to view your "motion film" :) This can be done in many innovative ways, the easiest being  a card board with the desired sized rectangle cut out of it. You have to view your "film" through this rectangle, you get it? Alternatively, you can have a paper screen, but then you have to ensure that the light falls on the screen, and ONLY the image is projected on it. You could use the cardboard cutout for this. I wanted a mirror screen but it clashed horribly with the cylinder. If you get this right, tell me how you did it ok?

6. Divide the paper disc into equal parts with a thin, very light pencil. I would suggest 12 parts, 3 in each quadrant.

7. Now you can start drawing what you want to see on the paper disc. I was not very ambitious since my sketching skills are questionable so I drew a ball going up and down. You could download animation strips too. But you should envisage the various transitions between the beginning and the end of your film, and then choose the number of partitions in each quadrant. But please make sure its equally spaced and even. Something like this pic on the right. Also, the height of your pic matters a LOT. Dont draw along the full length available. See how it looks on the cylinder before deciding this, ok? I used colors, but black and white looks really pretty :)

So you now place the paper disc with your drawing on the rotating disc and switch on the light.  Swirl the disc and look at the animated reflection on the cylinder through your cardboard cut-out and hopefully, you'll be as thrilled as I was :)

The purple haze

The stars, the seas, the wonderness wild 
I long to be you, a spirit so free

A smile, a tear, a thought in my mind 

Is all you can take to them from me ...

Blogger off...

Ok really ...the brickbats that Ive had to endure for writing those four lines in the post below are truly  astounding... and that too for obscure reasons such as what "everyone" will think...but you know what - I dont care what they think, or what you think too, for that matter.

So if you have any such problems, you are most welcome to lay off my blog !!!

UPDATE : Oh no no no, this wasnt meant for you, oh gentle reader. It was meant for certain nosey-parkers who read this and told my folks about it and tried to make me remove the post:). No wayyyyyy :)..freedom prevailsssssss:)

And I walk alone

Memories have a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it... 

"Hey Sweetie !!"

My heart leaps and I turn around eagerly. As the comprehension dawns on me for the millionth time in the past few months, tears prick at the back of my eye-lids and I try hard to stop them....When will I ever face the fact  that  it is really over? Will I ever get used to it?

Strikes, strokes and death rows

A really harrowing experience :(

We had to go on a field trip to Kolar on work. We had to be there at 11 am which meant that we had to leave early in the morning. So at 6.45 am, I was trying to find an auto to get to office but surprisingly no one would come.

Finally one guy agreed but demanded five times the usual price. It transpired that there is an auto strike. I didnt know about it, neither did I care, I only wanted to be in time for work...big mistake...

Anyhow I had to agree to his terms for lack of options. He made one stop to deliver flowers at a shop and we were on our way again. I really didnt think the strike was a big deal, it didnt even register in my mind....

Unfortunately for the guy, around 100 auto drivers were lying in wait on the way to catch people who disobeyed the strike. Ive never really seen a mob at work before, and its really scary.

They just didnt allow him a chance to even talk. In his desire to avoid a beating, he said I was his sister. Now this is a stupid thing to say, it can be easily invalidated...and thats just what happened when he couldnt tell them my name...I think he shouldve told them the truth or atleast kept quiet....

Well, I guess I too disrespected the strike but I couldnt really tell them that I didnt give a damn. But they went really easy on me and asked me to go. In fact they were really polite and said "Madam, please go, we dont want you to see him being beaten up"...I really didnt know what to do.

And the WORST thing is that I couldn't even get a chance to pay him in all the confusion. Everyone was screaming on top of their lungs and I couldn't even see that auto driver anymore in the crowd. I had no option but to leave...I didnt dare look back. I thought of calling the police, but I didn't think it would work, especially since the traffic police were already there and watching the scene...so I just left....

I just cant get this incident out of my mind...everyone tries to comfort me saying that the guy deserved it since he was being greedy and wanted five times the fare....but it doesnt help...I really hope nothing happened to him :(

I have to take courage in my hands and go to that shop where he delivered the flowers in the morning to see if I can find him. I should apologise and should also pay him something for going through the trauma (like how the Govt thinks that money is good "compensation") but I don't think any amount of money can make the incident go away....

My name is nobody

Random Man: I really respect women.

Me: Why?

Man: Eh?

Me: Why?

Man: What??

Me: Why do you respect women?

Man: Uh, because, um...we should respect them.

Yeah right !!!

I cant stand these patronizing sorts, who are sort of sexists in cuter outfits. And I dont get the 'respect women' part, I really don't see why they should be "respected", whatever that means.

Another irritating conversation Ive had lots of times.

Random Uncle/ Auntie: You work in villages? You travel so much, you must be finding it very difficult.

Me: No, I don't.

Uncle: Why don't you take a job at a bank or something? It'll be easier for you, and you can be at home always.

Thanks uncle, you just described one of my worst nightmares.

Weekend Seminar

"Seminar on ancient and modern legal system in India" may sound dry, but thats how I spent the last weekend, a really nice one in a long long time... Well, it was actually organised by my family and I decided to go because the guest list was truly intimidating and I couldnt believe that so many distinguished men of such intellectual caliber and academic stature could be gathered in one room.

With every person who arrived, I just couldn't contain my awe and excitement. These were men I used to always read about and admire and longed to be like them. I know I sound like a kid, but I cant help  it...Take a peek at this pic of  moderators:) I had to pinch myself to be sure I wasnt dreaming, really :) Its unbelievable - how humble they are in person given how much they've achieved.

Of course, my role in the seminar was limited to dressing up and smiling at everyone and I took notes, which made everyone think that I was a journalist, but whatever..

I became happier with every session....I love it when people talk sense and to the point, and when it is interspersed with good humor...well !!!......and of course lots of things to think about...for instance,

- Why are courts called courts of law and not courts of justice?Food for thought....

- All crime has any of these 3 causes - fight for a woman/ man, revenge, money.

- Lots of random interesting facts - for instance, in the ancient Indian law system, we have 12 types of sons, but in the modern system, we have only 2...and stuff like that which showed how thinking has changed....
- When a person becomes a  sanyasi (monk) officially, he is considered dead according to law. Though the lawmakers must have their reasons, I think thats messed up.
- And I also got to witness really heated debates, but conducted in a most gentlemanly and becoming manner..and picked up lots of lessons on how to put things across...for instance, one of the judges said "You say I am confusing?"...and pat came the reply from the other judge " I didnt say you are confusing, I said we are getting confused"...

Really nice, I tell you,...

And oh, the scholars of law, we had so many from different universities...and the level of discussion was truly commendable...it was clear that most of the people there had spent a lot of time thinking about things other than the mundane,.....oh and no clichés , no old chestnut jokes or platitudes...it was a welcome change :)

I could write pages about all I learnt, but I'll spare you :) All in all, well-spent two days...I really needed it...it was comforting, in a way...

Stupidopolis

Three things I hear a lot these days, and I cant decide which is the stupidest of the lot: 

Why do you think so much?

Huh, because I have a brain? 

Don’t lie to yourself.

Yeah right, like you would know... 

I  NEVER read.

Really? Then I suggest you throw yourself away, and start all over again…

Ok, I guess its Friday night and I feel jaded, so I am just being mean….