Aint made for each other anymore !!!

Is it me, or are the days painfully slow? Its funny because not only they seem to stretch forever but they also manage to make you feel that they are flying by and you have nothing to show for it....

I have NO idea what I should be doing  these days...whenever I look at the things  I want to do, they seem really frivolous and I cant help wondering if I am waaaaaay off the mark.... with the skating and the star-gazing and the guitar and the books and the volunteering and the field trips and list of places I want to see and the loooooong list of other stuff I intend to do...Should I simply chuck all this and buy a house and a car and think about getting married and "settle down"? Most of the world seems to think that it would be a more worthwhile use of my time and resources. My reply to them is better articulated by my blogger pal Vimal, in his  gentle and moderately-worded post here.

Ok, he was a bit harsh and I dont feel THAT strongly about it, but definitely along the same lines. I wish someone else could think for me. I wish I had a sounding board. I miss having someone to talk to...TALK to, not just talk to, if you know what I mean? Well, of course you dont. If you did, I wouldnt be complaining now, would I? Alright, I'm sorry...Its not just you, its me too. We just dont get each other anymore. Remember our recent conversations? Obviously  you dont. So let me remind you...

U: I bought a flat.

Me: Why? What'll you do with it?

U: What?

Me: Sorry, nothing...(with an insincere smile) Congrats!!!

U: My marriage got fixed.
Me: Oh no!!! Another one bites the dust...
U: What did you say?
Me: Sorry, nothing…(with an insincere smile) Congrats !!!

U (beaming): I got promoted.
Me: So what?
U:  Huh?
Me: Sorry, nothing…Congrats !!!
U: Lets go celebrate.
Me: Celebrate what?

Well, they were something like this anyway. Always are. See, it IS me, do you agree now? Maybe I should just retire from polite society. But you haven't been all that nice too. You don't get me either..Remember the marriage talk? Doesn't ring a bell? I'll remind you again.

U: When you getting married?
Me: I dont know. I am thinking if I should.
U: OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even naxalites marry, even Gandhi married. Its always better to marry.
(Oh no no no, dont look away , you know you said it)
Me (Wishing I could put an axe through your head): Never mind...

And yes, knowing you, you wont get me this time either, so I'll save us both time and  energy and clarify that when I say 'you', I dont mean YOU even if you said the above things. I am merely talking metaphorically, ok? Happy?????

We aint made for each other any more..

Poetry in motion

Me actually made a praxinoscope yesterday. It was on my "to do" list. Though what I made is far from perfect, its a start.

Things you need:

1. A stable light source - a good yellow lamp works the best. But remove the shade, dont let it cast shadows.
2. A disc - actually the lid of any round box will do. Dont get too big a disc, a radius of  7-8 cms is good. This disc should be fixed at a height so that the lamp shines directly on it from the side  perpendicular to where you will view it. Fix it at a height of atleast 15 cms. The above disc should be freely rotating - I used a candle stand for fixing the disc since it has a sharp pointed edge and a decent base to support it.

3. A shiny (preferably made of mirror) cylinder, that should be fixed at the centre of the disc. This is the most important component. While choosing this, try placing it on any picture and see if you like the reflection of the picture on the cylinder. This is how your "film" will look eventually :). Of course a partitioned cylinder like the one in the attached pic works the best, but I couldn't find one. Also, the cylinder in this pic is short, mine was longer and therefore the image was kinda distorted. The radius of the cylinder should be 3-4 cms. The wider the better actually. But it should not be less than 1/3rd your disc radius. The cylinder should NOT rotate, only the disc should. Glue it if you must, but it shouldn't rotate, ok? The rotating disc in the pic is not flat, but I would advise a flat one.

4. Good white paper that is cut in a circle, the shape of the disc minus cylinder. Doing this is tough but make many of these. You'll need them :). Make a slit to fix it easily on the disc, around the cylinder.

5. A screen to view your "motion film" :) This can be done in many innovative ways, the easiest being  a card board with the desired sized rectangle cut out of it. You have to view your "film" through this rectangle, you get it? Alternatively, you can have a paper screen, but then you have to ensure that the light falls on the screen, and ONLY the image is projected on it. You could use the cardboard cutout for this. I wanted a mirror screen but it clashed horribly with the cylinder. If you get this right, tell me how you did it ok?

6. Divide the paper disc into equal parts with a thin, very light pencil. I would suggest 12 parts, 3 in each quadrant.

7. Now you can start drawing what you want to see on the paper disc. I was not very ambitious since my sketching skills are questionable so I drew a ball going up and down. You could download animation strips too. But you should envisage the various transitions between the beginning and the end of your film, and then choose the number of partitions in each quadrant. But please make sure its equally spaced and even. Something like this pic on the right. Also, the height of your pic matters a LOT. Dont draw along the full length available. See how it looks on the cylinder before deciding this, ok? I used colors, but black and white looks really pretty :)

So you now place the paper disc with your drawing on the rotating disc and switch on the light.  Swirl the disc and look at the animated reflection on the cylinder through your cardboard cut-out and hopefully, you'll be as thrilled as I was :)

The purple haze

The stars, the seas, the wonderness wild 
I long to be you, a spirit so free

A smile, a tear, a thought in my mind 

Is all you can take to them from me ...

Blogger off...

Ok really ...the brickbats that Ive had to endure for writing those four lines in the post below are truly  astounding... and that too for obscure reasons such as what "everyone" will think...but you know what - I dont care what they think, or what you think too, for that matter.

So if you have any such problems, you are most welcome to lay off my blog !!!

UPDATE : Oh no no no, this wasnt meant for you, oh gentle reader. It was meant for certain nosey-parkers who read this and told my folks about it and tried to make me remove the post:). No wayyyyyy :)..freedom prevailsssssss:)

And I walk alone

Memories have a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it... 

"Hey Sweetie !!"

My heart leaps and I turn around eagerly. As the comprehension dawns on me for the millionth time in the past few months, tears prick at the back of my eye-lids and I try hard to stop them....When will I ever face the fact  that  it is really over? Will I ever get used to it?

Strikes, strokes and death rows

A really harrowing experience :(

We had to go on a field trip to Kolar on work. We had to be there at 11 am which meant that we had to leave early in the morning. So at 6.45 am, I was trying to find an auto to get to office but surprisingly no one would come.

Finally one guy agreed but demanded five times the usual price. It transpired that there is an auto strike. I didnt know about it, neither did I care, I only wanted to be in time for work...big mistake...

Anyhow I had to agree to his terms for lack of options. He made one stop to deliver flowers at a shop and we were on our way again. I really didnt think the strike was a big deal, it didnt even register in my mind....

Unfortunately for the guy, around 100 auto drivers were lying in wait on the way to catch people who disobeyed the strike. Ive never really seen a mob at work before, and its really scary.

They just didnt allow him a chance to even talk. In his desire to avoid a beating, he said I was his sister. Now this is a stupid thing to say, it can be easily invalidated...and thats just what happened when he couldnt tell them my name...I think he shouldve told them the truth or atleast kept quiet....

Well, I guess I too disrespected the strike but I couldnt really tell them that I didnt give a damn. But they went really easy on me and asked me to go. In fact they were really polite and said "Madam, please go, we dont want you to see him being beaten up"...I really didnt know what to do.

And the WORST thing is that I couldn't even get a chance to pay him in all the confusion. Everyone was screaming on top of their lungs and I couldn't even see that auto driver anymore in the crowd. I had no option but to leave...I didnt dare look back. I thought of calling the police, but I didn't think it would work, especially since the traffic police were already there and watching the scene...so I just left....

I just cant get this incident out of my mind...everyone tries to comfort me saying that the guy deserved it since he was being greedy and wanted five times the fare....but it doesnt help...I really hope nothing happened to him :(

I have to take courage in my hands and go to that shop where he delivered the flowers in the morning to see if I can find him. I should apologise and should also pay him something for going through the trauma (like how the Govt thinks that money is good "compensation") but I don't think any amount of money can make the incident go away....

My name is nobody

Random Man: I really respect women.

Me: Why?

Man: Eh?

Me: Why?

Man: What??

Me: Why do you respect women?

Man: Uh, because, um...we should respect them.

Yeah right !!!

I cant stand these patronizing sorts, who are sort of sexists in cuter outfits. And I dont get the 'respect women' part, I really don't see why they should be "respected", whatever that means.

Another irritating conversation Ive had lots of times.

Random Uncle/ Auntie: You work in villages? You travel so much, you must be finding it very difficult.

Me: No, I don't.

Uncle: Why don't you take a job at a bank or something? It'll be easier for you, and you can be at home always.

Thanks uncle, you just described one of my worst nightmares.

Weekend Seminar

"Seminar on ancient and modern legal system in India" may sound dry, but thats how I spent the last weekend, a really nice one in a long long time... Well, it was actually organised by my family and I decided to go because the guest list was truly intimidating and I couldnt believe that so many distinguished men of such intellectual caliber and academic stature could be gathered in one room.

With every person who arrived, I just couldn't contain my awe and excitement. These were men I used to always read about and admire and longed to be like them. I know I sound like a kid, but I cant help  it...Take a peek at this pic of  moderators:) I had to pinch myself to be sure I wasnt dreaming, really :) Its unbelievable - how humble they are in person given how much they've achieved.

Of course, my role in the seminar was limited to dressing up and smiling at everyone and I took notes, which made everyone think that I was a journalist, but whatever..

I became happier with every session....I love it when people talk sense and to the point, and when it is interspersed with good humor...well !!!......and of course lots of things to think about...for instance,

- Why are courts called courts of law and not courts of justice?Food for thought....

- All crime has any of these 3 causes - fight for a woman/ man, revenge, money.

- Lots of random interesting facts - for instance, in the ancient Indian law system, we have 12 types of sons, but in the modern system, we have only 2...and stuff like that which showed how thinking has changed....
- When a person becomes a  sanyasi (monk) officially, he is considered dead according to law. Though the lawmakers must have their reasons, I think thats messed up.
- And I also got to witness really heated debates, but conducted in a most gentlemanly and becoming manner..and picked up lots of lessons on how to put things across...for instance, one of the judges said "You say I am confusing?"...and pat came the reply from the other judge " I didnt say you are confusing, I said we are getting confused"...

Really nice, I tell you,...

And oh, the scholars of law, we had so many from different universities...and the level of discussion was truly commendable...it was clear that most of the people there had spent a lot of time thinking about things other than the mundane,.....oh and no clichés , no old chestnut jokes or platitudes...it was a welcome change :)

I could write pages about all I learnt, but I'll spare you :) All in all, well-spent two days...I really needed it...it was comforting, in a way...

Stupidopolis

Three things I hear a lot these days, and I cant decide which is the stupidest of the lot: 

Why do you think so much?

Huh, because I have a brain? 

Don’t lie to yourself.

Yeah right, like you would know... 

I  NEVER read.

Really? Then I suggest you throw yourself away, and start all over again…

Ok, I guess its Friday night and I feel jaded, so I am just being mean….

Can there be only sunshine?

Just got back this evening from a field visit to Mysore - never thought I would, but I miss it. The best thing about visiting small towns for me is that it makes me feel really happy about life in general...like as if I ganied time, you know? And this time, I was really determined not to think and brood and reflect like I usually do during fieldwork.. So I had a really nice trip.

Fieldwork also makes you restless and want to DO stuff....It was in this enthusiasm that I decided to try on my new roller-skates today.  I really don't know what it is with me & skates. For some reason, learning how to skate features quite high on my "To do before I die" list. I am pretty sure that if someone tells me that today was my last day on Earth, I would spend it roller-skating. I had got my new pair last week after a fair amount of hunting at sport shops. It was pretty embarrassing, I tell you because it seems like only kids do it now-a-days; I didnt know that. The shop keeper would ask benevolently how old the kid is, and my friend would gleefully point at me. The shop guy would then smirk and visibly refrain from commenting.. To top it off, my friend insisted that I buy the accompanying head gear and the elbow, wrist and knee protection with a patronizing "Women's bones are weak you know" and  lines like "better be safe than be sorry" to the shop guy's knowing smiles...Anyways, I finally tried them on tonight...I should really post pictures, I looked like a clown, I am sure it would be a good laugh...I had to do it sneakily on my terrace and try not to fall flat on my face. My mom was most amused and my bro even held my hand and led me on, like how you teach kids to walk...Its going to take some doing to learn it I know, but I am drawn to it like crazy...Ive always dreamt of skating for miles preferably on a lonely road or hill, all alone...sigh !!! There really is something magical about solitude....

Speaking of solitude, I always had one companion whom I have dumped recently - coffee. Its always been some crazy twisted love-hate relationship I've had with coffee.. it made me feel happy and sad and ecstatic and helpless at the same time. I never had a time or place to drink it...I used to even punish myself by drinking coffee even when I didnt feel like it.  It made me feel ugly, incompetent, out of control, hopeless..yet I would drink cups and cups of it...in fact I started drinking it when I was just a year old......never thought I could overcome it, and it always gave me lots of doubts about self-control....but suddenly, out of the blue, I have fallen out of love with it....and wouldnt drink it even if someone paid me....almost a feeling like breaking free from jail...I may sound a tad dramatic now, but it befits my infinite attempts at giving it up before - I would have these cycles of starting to give up and giving in...which meant countless struggles with  surging  hope and hopelessness....like a smoker trying to quit...

Oh God, did I just say struggle? And that too against coffee??? Take a look at this pic of this girl - I probably shouldn't put this up on a public forum, but she was one tenacious little thing, who kept coming up to us to ask for food, despite getting harshly scolded each time by the onlookers in the village.  I couldnt bring myself to even watch her getting shouted at each time, and there was really nothing we could do...because irrespective of how much we gave her, she would come back after five minutes and beg for more...No matter how rude they were to her, or how roughly they brushed her off, no matter what they said to her, she persisted with her begging till she got what she wanted....now that is a better example of struggle.......

Chamber of Horrors

It’s a lifetstyle choice I guess….gymming I mean…but then what on earth is face-firming? Whatever it is, when the VLCC gym tells you that you have earned yourself a free session of face bloody toning thanks to your sweating it out at their gym, you feel happy, you smile…you don’t think about what exactly it is as long as it is free….

That’s what I did too….

These rooms where they work, they are carefully designed to create an enigmatic atmosphere – soft music, dim lights, tasteful pictures, mysterious oils, the works…so I popped in merry & bright, happy and eager for my free “face-toning” session…

A regular facial accompanied by a 15 minute lecture on benefits of face toning, a patronizing speech on why VLCC is so much better than the others and a super-aggressive sales talk with a fast and furious promo on their products…..well, cant really blame them, I was captive audience after all, right?

So far so good….

The lady then casually announces in her rehearsed tone that she’s going to switch on the “battery current”… “It may sting a bit but its only for a while”, she says…

Problem - “Sting a bit” turns out to be a feeling as if someone is turning your face inside out and setting your nerves on fire…worse still, it gives you a tour of the neural network on your face…literally!!!…a forceful, wrenching tug tells you what is connected to what in your face with vivid clarity, all thanks to the harmless “battery current”…it pulls on your jawbone, and you can feel the unbearable tug right from the nerve on your temple and you realize – hey!!! THIS is how my face is wired….it pulls like a stinging wasp on your chin and you can feel it from the base of your throat and you begin to realize that there are actually many nerves connecting these two spots….its pulls on your forehead and it dawns on you that your forehead is kinda the center and everything is connected to it, since you can feel the horrible yanking from all around your face….and the VERY WORST is when the nerves that connect your teeth and your face come alive, blazing painfully…..kinda makes you long to tear your face out and throw it outta the window…ANYTHING to stop that pain….

I am ashamed to say that I couldn’t sit through my “free session”, enjoyable as it was... I ran out within 15 mins as if a million mad dogs were chasing me, much to the disapproval of the lady….

Now you may ask, why this blogpost??? Well, it just made me think of all those who have to bear the “shock treatment” in psychiatric hospitals or torture-chambers or wherever…if the “harmless battery current” makes my nerves this raw and red and beg for mercy, I cant even begin to imagine what they must go through….

Sometimes, I wonder why man invents these things.