All that you have is your soul

Maybe everyone has got it wrong. I think we as humans sold ourselves real short by settling  down with sound as the prime means of communication, its so shaky and fickle, untenable and vanishes into air without a record or a mark...ummm...an intentional loophole in the so-called design????  if hedges and walls could talk, it'll be a dark day...

And why didnt we evolve so that our minds and hearts could speak on their own???? There must be a reason...imagine if you cant control what you communicate :P wow !!!

Wish there was not a vanity gene...Wish there was not a cover...Wish what we reap is what we sow...Wish man could start over...

And who shall I say is calling?

I don’t want the dust to settle down. Where do you see yourself in the next five years would invite some interesting answers now :) Ever got the feeling that everything is pre-planned and it would’ve been more prudent to trust your instincts from the start? It’s a lot like traffic – random, tedious and mostly unnecessary.  

Speaking of which, Ive been traveling a lot over the last week - I went to Ramnagara, Chennai and Hyderabad, and in that order. 

Ramnagara is called the Silk Town, where Sholay was supposedly shot and is quite a beautiful place. Doesn’t quite have the small-town charm but it was a good break. I was there only for a day. We ate the famous ragimudhe, drank lots of sugarcane juice, learnt about silk reeling, met loadsa people and generally chilled out.

Ironically, I met a Kannur Muslim family – they were three sisters who were married to three brothers (why do people do this) from Karnataka and they hated it here. They missed mallu food, mallu people, mallu weather…..well, mallu life. They were pretty happy to be able to talk to me, though my Malayalam is quite shaky. They spoke nineteen to dozen about everything under the sun and while I was leaving they asked “Chaya edukatte?” (shall I make some tea?). I was really delighted, Kerela chaya is definitely my cup of tea:)

Left to myself, I would have never gone to Chennai or Hyderabad again simply because it’s trouble handed on a silver platter, complete with garnishing and side-orders. Chennai, I had to go for a meeting. Only it didn’t feel like Chennai at all. Even the auto-drivers seemed tame, the weather was nice and seeing the pre-paid counter at the railway station did not make my insides flip. Ditto Galloping Gooseberries, TDS and even the Taj Coromondel.  But once, I had to cross my old house to meet one of my friends who also stayed in the same building, but I resolutely looked away. I feel a vague sort of disconnect these days that is quite hard to shake off. I would say it’s some sort of an acquired nonchalance, difficult to put in words.    

Hyderabad, unlike Chennai was different since I didn’t quite know where the places to avoid were located. And it is bearable, if you go by train and avoid the airport. I met three of my really good friends, and felt more like myself again though the feeling was short-lived. Me meeting them after a good year-and-a-half, but we could easily pick up from where we left off. That’s very important I feel, because drifting apart is one thing, but moving on to speak different languages is another. Many a times, when I talk to people who've been my friend for years, I suddenly find that we don’t get the other anymore. It’s a sinking feeling, that…and then from there on, you remain friends only for old times’ sake, and talk only about mundane stuff and wish each other on birthdays and New Years…

Anyways, we hung out – talked for eons about nothing, cooked over silly jokes (made awesome poha, tomato pasta and cheese & pineapple sticks), listened to music in the dark, smoked up, went on mall-marathons and even tried the famous fish spa, where “doctor fish” are your masseurs. Twas quite freaky at first, and then pretty ticklish, not to mention ridiculously overpriced. My phone cam gave out and therefore I don’t have ready pics to post.

I ended up doing a lot of stuff against my better judgment though. I actually lunched at Waterfront; never thought I could go back there. It didn’t seem quite so scary in the afternoon, though I am not sure I would’ve survived a dinner there. And I did feel a pang when I saw the Cinema Paradiso and the W showroom :(. But why does it seem like from another life sometimes and so painfully sad at others?? :(           

And while we're on that, when will I meet John Galt?           

Anyways, I was talking about traffic. Yes, traffic really !!! I mean, REALLY, come to think of it. Wow, the time each person has on his hands to reach wherever he must, the resources at his disposal - vehicles and all that, and where he has to go and why…wow…aint it perfectly symbolic??? My respect for traffic just leapfrogged :)  It even captures things like the divide, which is irrelevant since emotions aint relative. No, they are not, which is not fair, since we tend to pretend they are and try to count blessings. Atleast I do. Well, that’s a different debate, so lets leave that on the side for a bit.

Anyways, everything sort of blends and sorts itself and you eventually begin to believe it couldn’t have been any other way because if there was any better, it would’ve happened. I am not there yet, but the subscribers to this theory can do no better than place all their bets on the future :) The other extreme must be the sorts who claim to know precisely which side of their bread is buttered at any given point of time :)          

True no? What do you say??     

P.S: Forever is a stupid word.

Back to Malory Towers

“Bother and blow and bllllaaast !!!”,  swore my little cousin, stamping her foot.

I looked at her in amusement; it’s been a while since I heard anyone talk like this.

“Oh dear, he will be so cross!”

Cross! I can’t remember when I last said that.

“Why is he such a goody-goody little prig? Always so prim and proper no?”.

Aww…isn’t she cute?                                                  

“He will climb on to his highest horse and stay there forever. Like butter won’t melt in his mouth”…

Strike again!! I wished she would keep talking forever. 

Don’t worry, its not that big a deal, I told her.

Notice how colorless and bland my language sounds in comparison? 

“No no, he will grouch about it forever like a bear with a sore head. Or a giraffe with a sore throat”. 

I started laughing, I couldn’t help it. 

“You are laughing at me? Go boil your head and fry your face”. 

I wished I could adopt her.

Damn…I wish I was twelve again…

Freak Magnet

This actually happened a few days back and frankly, I didnt think it was worth blogging. But still, I thought I'll write about it.

I was on my way somewhere in an auto that morning. There was this guy in a scooter, mustve been around 50, who was staring at me continuously and making inappropriate gestures and following  us. My auto driver was meek, not the strong type and evidently didn't want any trouble. No amount of speeding up or taking side-roads could get rid of the scooter. I wasnt too bothered, I mean, what harm can anyone possibly do in the broad daylight on crowded roads?

When we stopped at a signal, the guy pulls up very close to us and says "Why are you staring at me? What do you want?" or something to that effect in Kannada, in an ultra-loud voice, enough to turn all heads..."She is following me and harassing me", he told all the onlookers, who didnt care to reply.

That was when I began to get angry. Who was following whom and staring and all that, not to mention the mouth puckering and the other sick gestures? Who in wide world did this guy think he was??? I cant tell you how angry I got, far far disproportionate to what the situation merited. Sometimes I get violently angry and this was one of those occasions. I was so enraged, I couldnt get any words out to reply and neither did I want a verbal spat in the middle of the road. Thankfully, the signal lasted only a few seconds, and when it lifted, he continued to follow, this time saying stuff like "I'll show you people".

I told the auto to stop at a Police Station on the way. I was determined to teach the guy a lesson. The auto guy was reluctant to stop to which, I told him that if he didnt, I'll  be forced to complain against him also (all his details were there on the Drivers Details sheet at the back of his seat, which is a compulsory display for all autos in Bangalore).

So he stopped and to give credit where its due, he offered to come inside with me and confirm my story. I didnt expect that from a guy who wasnt willing to even stop and was pleasantly surprised. I really expected him to just drop me off and be on his way. People sure are unpredictable at times. The scooter guy, he also stopped grandly and started yelling at us without noticing that we were in front of the Police Station, but as soon as he realised, he was off before we could blink. I should really start driving, no?

P.S: Today I learnt that one hookah session is the same as 100 smokes, since it is tobacco filtered through water.

Simply because I say so

I decided to shake off all that despondency....literally. You see, I was supposed to go to away this weekend, but had to stay back cos of that dammed lawyer thingy, and the whole thing was just beginning to get to me....And when in doubt of any sort, go book shopping...remember these words always..they are very wise :)

I decided to get a sandwich from Subway first, its one of the things that always cheers me up. Unfortunately,  Transit is always packed with couples, who've begun to sort of irritate me lately... I mean, I hope I never look like that to anyone..either they're giggly and all over each other or they're depressed and the girl is crying. And you can always tell if they are married, in which case they usually look bored out of their wits...

Anyways, couples I can take but Bryan Adams I cannot...And he seems to be following me everywhere these days determined to talk of his "love"....will someone please tell him its not kind??

So I gave up on Subway and decided to to go to Landmark. I defiantly pushed past the the Lost Symbol, determined to find something I can actually relate to. Now, it could be me, I could be totally out of it but ..Death by Chick Lit, J-Pod, Six steps to Superwoman....what are people thinking???

Nah...its definitely not me....

I picked up some good stuff....Song Man (a sequel to the Guitar Man), At Large and at Small and I see you everywhere (am too lazy to add links, sorry)....and while waiting in the queue for the billing, I picked up the Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy, a book I always wanted to read...

"That book is different. I can tell you that much"....said a pleasant voice belonging to a cheery American standing behind me..we'll call him CA for short ok. CA and I got talking about books; we talked a lot because it was a very loooong queue...the conversation was pretty nice, and somehow, Americans Ive met always have had a very good sense of humor, the kind that makes you feel warm....CA's daughter was there too, a little girl, mustve been 7 or 8, and very sweet people they were..... I think I laughed more in those 10 mins than all of the last month's days put together....

So I bounded back into Subway after that, cheerful and feeling like I earned my sandwich, confident that even Bryan Adams cant chase me away this time...and as luck wouldve had it, CA and kid were there too, and we shared a table....They're here in India for a short while, and the kid took it upon herself to tell me all about her school and family and friends...its been a while Ive listened to a kid talk......and CA told me about all the places he's traveled to and all that he intends to do....

"Nothing like an unplanned trip with just a backpack"...yes sir, we fully agree...

Speaking of which, I'm getting a bit restless here in India...I suddenly feel like going to Rome :(

"Taking trips alone can do wonders for you...whatever you do, dont go in a big group" ...Seconded again, Captain...

"Of course, nothing beats going with a fun partner"....Aye, theres the rub :)

Another brick in the wall

I guess I should be posting my lessons learnt from the lawyer melodrama, but it is still underway, and me too exhausted to write about it now, so I'll settle for rubbing my friday melancholy off on you. Twilight, dusk and eventually the dark - theres no better place to watch it than through your office window, when all others have left because they have plans.....when the call to prayer from the Mosque nearby is your cue to leave for the day...

Some people put it a lot better than I.

D-Day

Today is the D-day :( the final confrontation with that lawyer I wrote about sometime back..I am all nerves...

When you say nothing at all

Q: What is the biggest challenge that sports in India has to overcome? 
A:  Lack of infrastructure and a change in the mindset of people. 

Q: What is the one reform that will help banks and financial institutions in India function smoothly? 
A: De-regulation. There are too many controls. 

Q: What are the major issues in the education system today? 
A: Lack of professionals trained to meet the actual needs of the sector.

Note that the answers for the three questions are inter-changeable, and would make perfect sense if we did so.

When I was in college, I used be really disillusioned with such suggestions from experts and practitioners. I hated what I thought were their usual bromides - innovation, collaboration, working together, all-inclusive solutions, holistic approaches blah blah. To me, they always seemed disinclined to take a stand or say something concrete. After every such speech or interview, I used to ask myself - Have I learnt anything new from this? The answer used to be an invariable NO. So, I stopped listening when they spoke, I used to automatically tune out. I decided not to read their interviews anymore (unless it contained facts).

To me, they sounded like the horoscope pages which print stuff like "The week ahead will be slightly disturbing. You should believe more in yourself and not take things so seriously. You should be careful with your spending and be more assertive".

Well, really !! This is equivalent to saying nothing. Almost everyone on earth will identify with something so loosely-worded and it will always sound like good advice in hindsight. Even my dog can do better, you dont have to be a fortune-teller to come up with stuff like this. Atleast, thats what I used to think.....

So anyway, coming back to what I was saying, the answers from so-called industry experts seemed as lame as these ambiguous insights from the horoscope tellers. And I held them in very low regard until very recently, until I found myself doing the same thing.

There is this socio-economico-political crisis in some districts of Karnataka that I have been covering for the past six months or so. I had interviewed most of the concerned stake-holders, seen the relevant records, had access to the related data and traced the developments. Therefore, I know most of what there is to know about the issue, which makes me a sort of an expert, given that not many people have too many insights into this.

When this problem was being discussed in blogs at work, I felt compelled to point out the biggest problem  as I saw it  -“The poor who are most affected due to the crisis, are not being involved in the negotiations. This should be corrected”.

Now really, did I have to do all that researching and all those field visits to be able to say this? Its only common sense that the people who are directly affected by anything should be involved in the decisions concerning it. The statement I made is even vaguer than the interviews quoted above.  It is like saying  power to the people, which has got to be the oldest glitterary ever. But to me, it made perfect sense, because in my opinion, no solution could ensue without that…This was the one reform that was needed…But if someone read my "informed opinion", they would think no more of me than what I thought of others.

It really got me thinking about how judgmental I had been. Maybe, their answers seem so over-arching to us because we view the problem from a very low perspective. After all, the more you know about something, the more strategic you are bound to get. And at a really high level, everything seems the sameJ

Though it is well-known that most people willfully say nothing, I should really stop dissing all of them so regardlessly.

Lesson learnt truly and well….

Mindsweeper

I think in lines. Every single thought in my mind, especially when I am weighing stuff  or envisioning a process manifests as lines and more irritatingly, levels. Sometimes spaces and areas.

For example, lets say someone wants to get over an addiction which was harmful, say smoking. Now the results of doing that will be:

+ for results that reflect positively.

- for bad or the opposite, where the damage is being undone and therefore not very pretty.

+ - (during initial days) 

++ --

+++ ---

++++ ----

+++++ -----

(Lets say this is the equivalent of center, notice how the bad shows up at its worst sometime in the middle, sometimes overpowering the positives). Then it kinda recedes.

++++++ ----

+++++++ ---

++++++++ --

+++++++++ -

 Ok now, if the person starts smoking or drinking coffee or whatever again, it'll be like this...

 - ++++++++++

--++++++++++

---++++++++++

----+++++++++

------++++++++

As if he/ she is new at it...U get it? Even if not so symmetric,  you get what me saying?  Atleast, this is what I think it is. So the figure my mind conjures up about de-addiction is something like this, which you have to work at backwards.

This is really how my mind sees stuff around me. Even thoughts I see as similar levels depending on how  much a person reflects:(

When I view two things in conjunction, the lines change to areas, as if they are spray painted...and the movement is sweeping...Sometimes I wish I could break out of this maze, and think in other pictures or shapes or abstract stuff or whatever - see I cant even imagine too many options here:(

With this tendency , I wonder what other glorious inner-eye visions I may be missing...sigh !!!

Ok, I think I am babbling incoherently now, so I'll stop.

A Grassroots' View

Some pics I took in the field recently...

They seemed like a pair of  super-aggressive, persistent and really pesky kids who keep trying to ask you for stuff. But if you think about it, its really sad to see kids so small fighting so hard for everything when they should be playing around....

Unfortunately, I was given the un-accomplishable task of getting taluk maps from a local Government office. This office was a very huge building with lots of people but it had no windows, brick-thick dust lined the walls, did not have electricity, the officials used handfans if you please, 7'o'clock blades to tear papers and slide rulers to draw lines....The pic shows their neat and organised filing cabinet. 

Women going to work at a garment factory. If you read the reports on their working conditions, the indignity and hardships they endure is truly horrible. It also makes me very uncomfortable to see people herded in trucks like this. Dunno why...

Who needs that penthouse when you can live here :)

It was so hot that I couldnt even bear to stand there...But this is their life...day after day after day after day....

This man is 34 years old. He has not gone to school, he works as a wage labourer for 35 rupees a day. He lives off Govt schemes and says he cant remember when he last saw a 100 rupee note.

Tender coconuts the size of helmets :) 4 rupees each :)

A group of children waiting at a Govt school for their "mid-day meal". The food they serve is half cooked and the rice is full of stones. But still, kids fight over their share for it.

This kid doesnt mind working while her friends play. She makes 150 rupees a month, washing vessels.

Mind-boggling superstition. Your caste is your identity. The "difference" between the two dominant castes in this village was that one did not wear a nose-ring because decades ago, when someone went to get a nose-ring for a person from the other caste, he did not return. The two sects have been at logger-heads ever since and are bitter enemies.

 

Every morning, women queue up to take water from the  pipe which is there only for 3 hours in a day. Each family is allowed to take only two pots.

Ragi roti and chutney :) The famous staple food...Impossible to eat, atleast for me. Half the pic was lost but you get the idea?

Why on earth does man do this???

I want to live here :(...fix a tyre on this tree and swing away to glory :(.be lost to the world :(

Well, these were just a few things that caught my eye but I really wished I could capture and freeze every little detail. Because, you know what - its actually true... India really lives in her villages !

What could it be now?

My fave word is aw! Yup I know its not a word, but I love saying it, and not in a good way :)...Sting rocks, he really does. Be still my beating heart is all I tell myself these days, thanks to him :) But not the way he says it though...more like..be still (duh? do you need to say it)....my beating heart (seriously? no kidding???)...

Memo: I must avoid happy couples and if possible, happy people

Gawd...I am hopelessly inarticulate today....what do you say?

You might as well say no comments, cos I aint letting you anyway....

My little Idaho

My friend suggested I blog about my blog....Not a bad idea :)

I love this blog, I really do. I spend a lot of time on it, no with it, everyday. I love tweaking colors and changing the pictures and labels. I love the labels - I love the tacky ones like Mindsweeper or Soulkeeper, I love the regular ones like The Bookshelf, I love the obscure ones which only I understand like The Silhouette, I love the depressing ones like the Black Rainbow...oh, please dont bother to follow the labels, I change them every now and then :)...Except for the Special Someone, all else is likely to change.

Ive learnt a fair lot after I began writing on this blog. I made loadsa blogger friends, and met quite a few like-minded people :) Hey, I even learnt how to fix bugs in XML...cos for all the hype about the flagship Professional Template that this is, with its impressive configurable columns, it has more bugs in it than the number of Chinamen in China. Previously, the comments used to show up haphazardly after  a post and I used to to cringe. But atleast Ive succeed in removing those ugly gray boxes that mask people's names...and the ridiculously-placed timestamp. It really took some doing to fix all that !! I guess you probably dunno what me talking about but it suffices to say that the powers of concentration required to understand the circuitous and elaborate  template code is enough to move a mountain :)

And oh, tell me you like the new collage pic? I spent ages over it, finding the pieces I like, pieces than mean something to me....Its still not as perfect as I would like it to be, but I am getting there.

If you own a blog, you have to own the whole thing. Many times I wonder if it is a good investment of time to find the perfect color for your post title. I used to comb the Internet to search for that elusive bright-but-not-bloodshot matted red...Often I wondered what difference it made to anyone who reads this blog whether the line after the post title is black or orange. These details were maddening I tell you. But this  the price you have to pay if you want your own customized template and are picky about colors. I really wanted a bright-but-not-gawdy page, one that makes me happy whenever I look at it, so I had to put my nose to the grindstone and search for apt shades and tediously work out the details. I dont think it is even noticeable that the comments tab is purple, and the commas between labels are red (this is my chance to point it out)... :P

But it is really worth the effort, because whenever I look at it, I really feel happy, like coming home to your room which is all yours and is set-up the way you like it...

I think my blog is very primitive when I see professional bloggers though..Their blogs are really  functional. But somehow most of the gadgets dont work for me. For instance, I cant stand the extremely popular LinkWithin widget,  which I think is really effective in disrupting the natural course readers would otherwise follow..Or the LibraryThing... I really dislike it, I would much rather manually choose my books and add links to them. Even the Snapshots, I had to micromanage it and limit it only to explicitly cited links - I hate it when they run amok on your post...I dont want anything that thinks on its own, atleast on my blog...If I were to choose my gadgets, I would create a virtual galaxy or something like that. And I would never EVER "monetize" the blog. I dont understand people who do that. And I know I should really remove those random pictures and links in the sidebar, but  they remind me of my enthu when I first started posting :)

Coming to the most difficult part, the actual posts, well first of all, I was an idiot to start posting under my name. That most of my family has my blog is also really limiting. But I am getting better at shedding apprehensions. And I cant imagine what I was thinking when I chose the URL - allthatcanbe??? Duh, how lame was I ??? :) 

My posts are mostly for me...I dont expect many people to relate to them. Thats why it majorly  pisses me off if people tell me not to think so much or make totally tangential comments. Ironically, these are the same people who dont realise that when someone writes something, they are putting themselves out there. It took quite a lot for me to talk about the Special Someone. At times like these, I feel I too should adopt a pseudonym like Raindrop or Moonlight or whatever and maintain total anonymity, and give the URL to only friends, where I could let my tongue wag without a leash. Bloggers are anonymous, for the most part.

Lots of people say I talk utter rubbish anyway, but thats ok. :) And for the five odd readers who religiously read what I write, its really sweet of you :) I love it when  you say you  found my post interesting :) I really do...

But having said all this, I think blogging is just a phase, atleast for me. And I know I am soon going to outgrow it. ...

But for now, its just me, my blog :) so happy together :)